Nightmare Button with Jessa Reed and Mark Pontius

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"Hot Alien Summer Camp" Where cosmic forces align for an unforgettable adventure. Go to HotAlienSummer Camp dot com to book your tickets and let the magic unfold. "Transmission complete" We're coming to Synchronisote. Welcome to Synchronicity guys. We got a real special... special? Yeah, that's how we'll start it. We're just the complete flub of the word special, which is not a particularly difficult word, but nonetheless, I fucked it up. We have a special episode of Synchronicity this week. I really think you're going to like it. For anyone who's been wondering what the fuck has been going on with me for the past year and a half, two years, as my, you know, I've not been putting out a lot of podcasts.

I've kind of just been all over the place in a lot of ways. This is the episode where it clears a lot of that up. I have my good friends, soul, sister, soul brother, Jessa Reed and Mark Pontius. We got together in New York City. The other day, it was great catching up with them in person. It's a really great episode in so many ways. I know you're going to enjoy it. This is the one for people. Let's say you know someone who listened to this podcast and then they stopped listening to it because I was so toxically positive about the imagination stuff, you haven't listened to this episode and see what they think after that because I think they're going to like it.

Anyway, it's cool. Sign up for the Patreon if you want fun stuff. There are live streams every week. We have zodiac readings, which will be public for one more month. I'm going to do the readings, the zodiac readings for everyone. If you didn't see them, the July ones are up and available. Now go check them on the YouTube on twitch.com/syncpod on kick.com/syncpod and youtube.com/noelampert. You can see all those zodiac readings, those for the signs, sun, moon, rising and Venus. Go check those out. Patreon is the place to be. We got the crypto discord server. Shit is going on. Shit is popping off.

And I think I said I was only going to do 13 episodes of synchronicity a year. I probably lied. It's probably going to be more. It's hard for me to stay away. I've gotten my mojo back, guys, or I'm getting it back, I should say. It's not fully back. My Austin Powers hasn't fully discovered his mojo. Dr. Evil still has a little bit of it. But it's coming back. I'm psyched. I got to get through this fucking Pluto shit, guys. You'll hear in this episode. I got to get through it. I'm thinking October. I think it loosens up after then. I got to get through the fucking nightmare button. What is the nightmare button?

Stay tuned and find out. OK, without further ado, here are Jessa Reed and Mark Pontius. [MUSIC PLAYING] I noticed it was like fast out. Not working. And then my wife hit me up at the same time, because I had sent her this video. And I was like, oh, she's like, I don't think there's audio. And I was like, oh, OK. And then it started to dawn on me that everything I had recorded this week also wasn't going to be. And I was like, fuck this. You're having a nightmare button. It's literally a nightmare button. It's like the easy button. Yeah. This is the nightmare button. No, the nightmare button. Because I envision that wherever we are, as above so below, so wherever we are, there's a desk, there's a control center.

We're playing the video game. And that there is, for some reason, a nightmare button. And every once in a while, you accidentally set your coffee cup down on it. And then there's just a cloud. I've had this experience. Just a few months ago, I went to LA and started feeling sorry for myself about something, bombed on a podcast, and then was feeling sorry for myself. And within 24 hours, there was every time I went outside, it started monsoon raining. And then as soon as I would get in my car, it would stop. And then as soon as I would have to get out of the car, it would start again. Nothing was working.

Your order's wrong at every restaurant. Your debit card gets stolen. The bill you paid didn't go through. Yeah, it's a nightmare button. And you just have to laugh. The question is, is why the fuck would there be a nightmare button? And why do we keep it so close to where we put our shit down? Because I obviously do not put this button here consciously. I don't want this shit to be happening. We were talking before. I was explaining how shittily things have been going. And how chaotic is really the right word. I don't want to say shittily. It's just chaotic. It's been rough in almost every aspect of my life.

And how I'm over it. I don't want this anymore. But in some ways, it does feel kind of like a course correction we were talking about. It's just like, fuck, though, like-- Can we make this podcast? This episode about this? Of course. This is so fucking good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We in-- Hi, Mark. Mark's here. Also. Hi. Hi. Hi, Mark. [LAUGHS] We're in-- In 2019, you know, I saw your Patreon posts the other day that you're talking about the catalog of synchronicity, and you're like, I recommend 2019, 2020. This is when I was especially prolific. Yes. This is when things were good, and everything was great, and imagination was only used for positive, amazing manifestation.

Yeah, this was before we got humbled. I got humbled before you got humbled. Yeah, you were ahead. I got my ass handed to me. I ran around in 2019, talking about the death of the masculine is coming, and the collapse and all of these things, and I always think they're not going to happen to me, as if the reason I'm getting it downloads and heads up, because it's like, bitch, duck. Exactly. Exactly. But I'm always like, hey, you guys should duck. I hear it's about to get rough. And then I get my ass handed to me. And in the end, I'm like, so grateful. Yeah. These experiences where everything feels like it's happening to you, and it's very difficult and you find your way back out again.

These are high level experiences, you know, from the zoomed out playing the game perspective, I fucking do not enjoy them when I'm in them worse. That's the thing, like, you recognize retrospect. If you're lucky enough, you can recognize as you're going through it, but it's not even that because like I do recognize now, and I have the proper perspective, I believe that this isn't like, I'm not being punished. Right. It's not something going wrong. It's not like I was so fucked up and now this is like my karmic retribution for like, you know, misspeaking or it is for your own benefit. It's like a breakup, right?

Like if you've been in a relationship and you don't want the relationship to end, but then you look back after and you're like, Oh my God, like, thank God it ended. Either you find a new relationship or you realize like there were some toxic elements. Like you get that perspective, but you know, I was saying before, like, I've been going to a lot of astrologers and like they're like, yeah, you're Pluto and you're Saturn are fucking your shit up and I say this because I do astrological readings. I do tarot and I do give the preface where it's like, listen, this isn't doing something to you. It's just like an energetic weather report.

And these are the conditions that are out there. They're not condemning you to something. They're not binding you, but this is actually the energy that's out there and it does have an influence on kind of your perception of things. And like I was saying, I'm ready for Pluto to move the fuck out of here. Like I, I, I truly, it almost, these types of experiences beat you down until you have nothing left except to build a new foundation and up and it's, it's not fun. It's just. Have you been able to identify any positive part of it yet or like the lesson? Yes. We were also mentioning this like I have been more public about this recently, but I was doing so well financially with crypto.

I had more money than I've ever had, you know, it was like close to $2 million. Very quickly. This isn't like 2020, 2021 that I, people know this. I stopped doing the podcast. I was maybe checking in like once every three or four months. I wasn't paying attention to my patreon. I wasn't doing live streams. I wasn't doing shit because I was so focused on making money and making more money and really for no other reason than making money. Like it wasn't like, Oh, let me make this money so I can go on a great trip or buy this cool thing. It was just like I became subservient to the idea of money being the end game.

And I was somewhat aware of that. But I also was at the same time aware that like I wasn't happier like at all like I wasn't like, and my wife is very fond of reminding me how I was actually kind of miserable. Like, and I think I just lost touch with what I'm supposed to be doing, which sounds weird. But like, I know when something is feeding me on like a, like if you eat like good home cooked meal, like organic, healthy, lovingly raised, like, you know the difference that are then like going to Burger King or McDonald's, which may taste great and give you a rush. But like it's, you know the difference in how that feels and your activities and what you do in life are the same fucking thing.

And I just had gotten so far removed from that that I just might life started kind of crumbling. And on top of it, and we were speaking about this too, I had approached this imagination stuff with such a positivity that I think people who weren't in that mind state, a it probably was like nails on a chalkboard for them, because it's just like, if you're not in a place of like feeling fully in flow or happy and realizing even like the bad stuff is good stuff. When someone's telling you you can change your entire life by using these techniques or imagining this like, that's not going to work. It actually sounds like bullshit and it can actually turn people off.

So I do believe that the reason I'm going through this and have gone through this over the last year and a half, two years is I have to like understand where more people are at. So I can be better at actually explaining what is going on and what does work, at least for me because my goal with this, it's not like I think about what the goal is, but I've realized over the years and I know this from the feedback I get that I can break down things and communicate them in a way that maybe is hard for people to understand if they hear it from someone else or they try to go into it themselves. And for me, I can break apart the component parts and you know, analyze it and communicate it in a way that doesn't sound like stupid or hard to get into.

But if I'm just focusing on the positive and the light and the sunshine, that's not authentic. That's not a person's life. No one's life is an upward trajectory their entire life. It is just not how it works and focusing on that, I think I needed to kind of go into the depths to like get that perspective, to be able to like a, figure out what was important to me and be speak about it and communicate it in a way that was like more real, more like holistic, I guess is the right word. Almost like a retracing your steps, right, because we were talking about this earlier where, and this has been, I've changed, I absorbed the idea of spiritual bypassing and I played with it for a couple years and then I'm like, now I'm like, I think that spiritual bypassing is when people bring their head to a heart party when they, and most of the time we bring our head to a heart party because we're not yet capable of bringing our heart to a heart party.

So I feel like spiritual bypassing is a phase of expanding your consciousness because you get these mental ideas, you get these hacks, you know, for me it was like hacks for you, it was the imaginal stuff, but there comes a point where it's like, okay, well, do you want to expand your awareness to include the emotional realm? Because if so, you're going back into the underworld and you're going to have to retrace your steps and that mental stuff works for the mental space. But now I'm in a place where it's like, well, tell that to my nervous system. Exactly. Because those mental tricks do work, they are good, they don't do shit if my nervous system gets thrown off, you know, and so a lot of the accusations of like toxic positivity or even the way that the new age movement approaches things like manifestation, whatever, it's a paradox because it's like what they're saying is true, but what they're saying is something that works if you're already, the plane's already in the sky, if the plane's already in the sky, lay down, close your eyes, imagine the thing you want and you shift to it.

But if the plane has landed in the ocean, there has to be a, you know, you can't get out of the ocean when you're in the depth of that and you're in the feelings place and you've the nightmare button has been going for weeks on end, you can't just go, well, just think positively and when you say that to someone who's in that space, they want to punch you in your mouth and rightfully so, and that's where the empathy comes in is like, and if we've not experienced that, it's, you don't know what you're talking about. Also, you don't mean to come to it like that. And one thing I have realized, whether you call it imagination or like tuning your frequency or vibration is this isn't something that gets turned off, right?

It's not like, oh, because I'm thinking about manifesting something, then I will manifest, you're always doing it. So if you're in a space of kind of depression or chaos or just things being a clusterfuck, you're also creating that at the same time, which you don't want to pile on someone who's going through it because it's like, hey, what the fuck are you doing? Like I already feel bad. Don't tell me I'm the person creating this. But that is all it's always active. There's no off button in this reality in terms of like stopping generating reality. That's called death, like then you're not here anymore and it's something else.

So trying to identify and become aware of where you're at, and then hopefully having the empathy and being able to see where other people might be at and people outside of your perspective at that current time is kind of essential because then like you are, like I God knows how many people I just like sounded like a fucking lunatic or just an asshole to because listen, I don't believe any of this imagination stuff isn't real. It's a hundred percent real. I've experienced my life now is still a testament to how all of this stuff works. It's just if you're not at the place where you're able to do that or access it consciously, it seems like almost an attack, like you're criticizing someone for not having an abundance mindset and criticizing them for feeling lack or being sad.

And I just I kind of always knew I was missing that, but it was working so well for me personally and other people. I mean, I still to this day get so many emails and Instagram DMS people like you change my life like I finally got it and it clicks like I when we were sitting down there at lunch or at talking having coffee like so I recognize it is reaching people. But I think what I'm really trying to talk about is how people can bring awareness into their lives so they at least have the option to live the life that they want to live like that's just the option. They don't have to do it, but to have the ability to at least access it rather than saying, hey, do it this way.

You have to do it this way because this is the only way to do it or it's the best way to do it because you will as a person inevitably go through ebbs and like it's just life. That's like you need to recognize that everything is temporary. And temporary does not imply duration. It doesn't mean temporary is 10 years, five years, three seconds, 10 months. It's just it's not going to last. Yes, right. It's transitory. And so, you know, I've been thinking about this idea of kind of sustaining certain modes of thought and how that's also something that I think I completely missed because shifting into a mind state is one thing, but fully integrating that and allowing it to actually become a part of you fully and like access these other parts of your brain or whatever, that's a huge component of this too.

Because what good is it if you manifest the life of your dreams and then the Cinderella Bell goes off and you fucking go back to a pumpkin in the middle of it? It's almost worse than not having it. So that's another thing that I think I'm learning. And I was complaining before that like I wish I hadn't signed up for this because it fucking is annoying, like I don't want to go through shitty times to have to learn that perspective. I want to read about it and be like, oh yeah, there's something called hard times. Now I get it. But I do think a function of this reality and having a physical body and having a physical reality is you did sign up to go through this stuff, so you can't skirt that.

And if you're trying to skirt it right now at this time, you will kind of face those consequences and it's not fun. No. And this is where I think Mark has an advantage over people like you and I because you and I woke up at a similar time and like obviously I've had hardships since I woke up. But for the most part, I leave a lot of space in my reality for tragedy, loss, whatever. So when I hit hard times, I don't necessarily think that that is in opposition of creating reality, but I also see reality as a video game. So I'm like, yeah, of course, sometimes it's hard, but it's been an upward trajectory, right?

So it's is I learn a new skill, I expand my awareness and I get more things, not things like material things, but like powers and but also material life has got more comfortable relationships have gotten easier, whatever is part of that thing. Mark, you woke up at like the pinnacle of 3D success while I remember the first time you ever told me the story, you said, I reached all these like I accomplished all of my goals in a very short period of time. And here I had everything that I'm supposed to want and this deep sense of lack set in. So it's almost like you had to go down in order to find that.

And I since I've met you, you don't have that kind of fairy tale Peter Pan. I've never seen you go through that face like everything's going to be easy, you're kind of the opposite. Have you ever felt that way? Like I'll just think positively and everything will be positive. Yeah, well kind of, I mean, yeah, I was trying to think like why as you guys were both talking, I'm like what, how am I, like what is my view on this because I in my head I have been guilty, I mean I'm the external too, but I'm guilty of having this kind of just positive thinking. Like a lot of my friends in the music business would always be asking her advice like I need to promote this and like I need to make this record, how do I do it, how do I succeed.

And then I would just, you know, kind of coldly say, don't worry about that shit, just make your art and like just keep doing it and it'll work. And then they're always like well that's easy for you to say. And I would find myself kind of taking on this role of like yeah I guess I'm just saying shit that seems easy from my perspective, but on the like tactile ground level these people don't know how to like apply that, you know, and they always blame it on like my position of where I'm at. So in this pivot in my life kind of in the last three or four years, which did involve being really successful in my career and having a lot of eyes on me and then going down off of that.

So leaving that band, losing a lot of friends, losing relationships, all these things I guess the only thing that did like make me ride that down and kind of just put my hands up and go we was like a I guess a combination of at first it was dark. I mean this was building up to that sweet release. It was dark because I was confused by the success and the top being not so life-fulfilling like not core soul happiness. It was just material stuff that I could tell was fleeting that I that was dark until I realized that there was another thing and that was what I would say was like waking up or some mystical thing that I was like oh shit there's something more than just this physical material kind of thing and that made me go okay I'm going to just put my hands up to the reality a bit more and flow into this even though it's like downhill as cultures standards or other people's view on me is like I'm leaving the band and failing and all my friends are gone so I'm a failure but like there's just something inside that I was like well I'm still alive and like I did that like I checked that off and that's really that feels good and I'm kind of done like I don't want to continue doing that so it's hard to explain that to people that haven't really had that feeling of that there's it isn't there's no peak like it isn't what you think it is and so that like was some kind of gift inside that I could hold on to that even when it was really tough and I felt people hating me that I was like well I'm going to be okay like something will come from this downhill thing is going to be a pendulum and it'll I'll come back up in a way that will be more fruitful and I will actually have some like solid foundation so I don't know if any of that makes sense but it just it is like a hard I find to some people when you say that it's like it is it feels like cloud thing like something it's just a this positivity that doesn't really get you through the darkness but there's um it's like my internal life vest or some sort that I just like kind of knew that there was going to be something on the other side right well you're very flow oriented where I think the thing that no one I rely on until we got humbled is more more masculine but masculine I'm saying logic left side of the brain mental space right and I mean I feel like I'd already learned this lesson once or twice before we hit twenty twenty so I wasn't I when I started getting my ass handed to me I wasn't actually surprised because I've already it's not my first rodeo but I'm much more now in flow so now it's like what is my body say like what feels true and I don't try you know I don't try I don't force and that's that's I've had to have several rodeos gets at that point but something that like 2020 and 2021 just like holding me down to the ground chronic illness for 18 months I come out of that I have a miscarriage I almost die during I come out of those experiences I lost my memories I lost half my personality to to the illness I couldn't podcast I couldn't form sentences half the time I mean it was like scary to be losing all of that and a lot of it's just now coming back I mean it's still every day I go oh shit I didn't think that was ever coming back has forced me into flow though where I feel like Mark is someone who's just been in just this kind of like flowing what's the vibe person well I do gotta say just quick I there I do find myself in flow and I when I think back like when I wasn't even aware of these things I just was doing that early in life because there were a couple decisions that like it was confirmed to me and I didn't know how to put a label on it but I just knew there was this inner mechanism that I could just follow and sometimes that from the outside other people that looked like it was going against the grain like I from when I was 18 I moved out to LA took a huge loan moved out to LA to do film school and everybody else was like what the fuck you doing you're leaving your hometown you don't have any money you don't know anybody what are you doing that doesn't that's even my parents were like in support but they were like you're making a really crazy decision and that paid off so much within the first couple of years and even like I went out and then didn't really finish film school but it was massively in debt and pivoted into music and I tell everybody great stable career choice yeah totally neither one of them are good but it was this like quick pivoting that just felt I felt inside like this you should do this and I so I I realized I got lured out there under the guise of film school and I tell you I was so confident like I had done music for a while but I was like that's not my thing film is it and just across the board I told all my friends bragged I was gonna be like winning Oscars soon and all this stuff and then it didn't turn out to that and but then I saw oh that opened this other door for music and I was so sure that I didn't want to do film that now I want to do music and it was hard to explain that to people because you're crazy you just went into debt and you moved out there you sacrificed but then that led me to the next door next door next door and then it eventually led me into the door of like real monetary success and real like artistic success and it's really hard to explain every one of those little pivots but it was just a thing that I kind of started to flow and go this looks crazy to everybody and they're even going to think I'm crazy for a minute but they'll see in the long run this was the right thing and so it is extremely hard when I got to that like quote unquote top thing and then go oh so now the flow instinctual element is just abandoned and like literally go the other direction and go down like it's definitely not easy I didn't I wasn't just like okay cool yeah like I'm gonna do it but that internal thing is definitely I don't know what made me originally start doing that but it does come very easy to me and I think that's what's protected my like consciousness through it I don't get as depressed because I can always revert to this thing that is kind of cheesy it's just like well I'm alive cool you know sometimes that's all you got yeah tell me about it Jesus Christ I am that is literally when you're at that base level of gratitude just for being alive you know it's all shit is shit is rough I mean and what you're talking about there I think is is something that I'm very familiar with which is this inner conviction one thing even in my darkest of days that I truly know I believe on like my deepest levels of being is that things have worked out like there's enough good stuff that has already happened to me and just is happening to me that I'd have to like bash my head in with a brick to totally forget that there is a lot of good stuff and things are temporary good and bad but bad is included in that you don't stay at this level and I think where people tend to get in trouble including myself is when you start buying into the narrative that like this isn't gonna end like this is just what life is yeah people can stay like that for a really long period of time I used to think my tolerance level for it was like infinitesimal like I could say in like that for a day or two no it's not true I've stayed in there for a year or two years which you know in the grand scheme of things may not be a huge period of time but for me it's felt almost unbearable just because I'm not used to that on one level and I think you have to go through some level of that it doesn't have to be to the extremes that I seem to be gravitating towards but it makes you more complete it also makes you more like I was saying before that everyone close to me in my life has said that I lack empathy and I don't ever think of myself as lacking empathy in fact I think that I'm actually very in touch with what other people are feeling with and I can sympathize and empathize but when everyone in your life who you're close with is saying you lack empathy you kind of have to check yourself and be like fuck like either I'm not expressing this correctly or maybe I really do lack empathy and as someone who's typically thought of myself being like pretty in touch with my emotions I have learned very quickly that I am not like at all like I'm not it's not even close like it's like I thought I was like the sensitive in tune really like compassionate person and I believe there's elements of that but I've caught myself enough time suppressing and pushing down uncomfortable emotions related to trauma or fear or co-dependency or just whatever mortality that like I can't keep that illusion going longer like it's it's very clear to me that I have work that I need to do or at least shift my attention and perspective on my emotions and getting that in tune because what I've been saying for years is that your emotions are what generate your reality and no small part that's really what you can think about this shit forever but how you feel and what you actually believe based on your emotions is actually the generator of your experience so if you're suppressing or lapping off huge chunks of your emotions like what do you think is going to happen like what do you think inevitably is going to get swept back from under the rug like if you can't keep it there forever that lump is going to be too fucking huge you're going to step on and it's going to fly out and rather than looking at that as like something horrible or something has gone wrong it's like surrendering to the idea that this is for your benefit like you don't want to live a life in the dark you don't want to live in the life that's maybe even comfortable or fun or just happy at the expense of being like a complete person who can connect with other people and higher dimensions and like that's all not a necessary component but like something that at least for me is very important like I know that that's something that I value and so I have to you know I've had to put in this annoying fucking work of like going inside and you know copying to the shadow stuff that like you know as much as anyone who says they like dealt with their shadow stuff fully know that they haven't even started like that's that and I was someone who would probably say yeah I do with my shadow I am dealt with it all the time I know what my flaws are I know where I'm a shitty person I know what my deep dart I didn't know shit like I hadn't even touched it at all and like that's it's good to get to a place where you actually can like admit that because then you can actually start doing it like if you want to and it's hard and it's scary and it's not fun and I like fun things but I know I was saying like I'm not at the light at the end of the tunnel yet but at least I see that it's there I can see that I'm approaching it so I law it's not like in my rear view mirror I know that this is like something that is coming I can feel that inside but it also requires me to actually do that and proceed on that path and not kind of like just give up because I know that it's coming and don't have to do anything like it is work at the end of the day and work can be fun it doesn't have to be a burden but if you've treated it like something that you don't want to do or some icky bad thing like you can only escape that for so long like it's it's not something you can push away forever and I've really had to come to terms with that and been beaten down like in almost every aspect of my life that I thought I had like mastered and overcome and yeah it's uh what do you guys think of the idea that the shadow work isn't something that you deal with once and then like it's over that it's you actually become more the more awareness you have the more growth and transmutations that you do the better more capable you become uh and quicker you become at like dealing with it when it shows itself and that eventually I guess those patterns get lighter and you could say that state is less shadow and more light but does it ever really go away like I feel like as a being conscious in the material world's like that's kind of the game with the dualistic nature of it what do you get I do think that awakening is a finite process I think it's a I think it's a 10-year process and roughly I do think there is a point where you know awakening is really I'm starting to call it the softening and like expansion is a great way to describe it where we were living in a limited version of our own awareness so we just had awareness of the ego forever right so our our created our subconsciously created identity and then we became aware of the mental space and now the emotional space and like I'm still I'm getting to know my body and the fucking planet I live on for the first time so I do think that it's it's somewhat finite you know um one thing that I was thinking about when you were talking is just like what the last few years have been and I'm starting to feel like I'm gonna start publicly podcasting don't anybody hold me to that because the fuck knows but I have felt like I don't have anything to say because I am just in a fucking I'm in the washing machine right and so much of the way that I look at the world is changing and what has really been challenged for me I think I'm about to do an episode of spiritual bro just called like change my mind where I just talk about everything that I said on so brush that I'm like well now that I have the context um because I realized how escapist and I could only realize this through healing right so like we can't hate ourselves for this but like how escapist the idea of utopia is and what has really been challenged in the last few years in all of us in different ways is like how do you define that yeah and I realize that we are all defining that as something different but we're all still looking for that savior we're looking for that that other place and what I have found that this expansion has done has brought me home to myself and the idea I never really resonated with the two earths or the whatever like the fucking rapture gets sucked off the planet shit or that everyone else is gonna have to die or whatever none of that felt true I played with it for a minute but ultimately it's like learning for me because I was heavily disconnected for my emotions for me so much of this stuff was about escaping feelings yeah you know and I have learned how to sit with feelings and it for a lot of people myself included in some ways is about escaping things being difficult ever yeah and and now it's like I've expanded everything including my worldview like I leave room in my worldview for things to be difficult for me to be wrong for me to not have the full picture for tragedy to happen for loss to happen for relationships to end for sickness to happen and and when I have all of that can exist in my worldview I'm not in this perpetual state of trying to escape through spirituality right whatever but you really just have to be like shoved underwater yeah for an extended period of time to realize like I'm still okay and my awakening and the first time I realized I had the happiness was inside of you was or inside of me was um 2003 yeah some of us three years into my awakening and I'm addicted to drugs it's the middle of the night and I'm just having that realization where I didn't so much of that lifestyle for a lot of it was like I didn't live anywhere so it was like couch surfing basically and it's like you have to be very useful or entertaining to have around so that you can give you drugs and keep you around and I had just hit one of those times it happened a few times where I didn't have didn't have anybody that wanted me on their couch and so I'm like in this bus stop and I'm out of drugs which means I'm just gonna pass out and voluntarily when you when you're addicted to math and you fall asleep that's it you're just sleeping wherever you're at for 12 hours doesn't matter if it's in public and you're in danger um I didn't have any cigarettes and I was addicted to cigarettes I didn't have 25 cents to put into a payphone to call somebody and even if I did there was no one to call and I'm just I'm staring at the shell gas station that I'm sitting across and I'm like oh I have no move I have absolutely no move and I just was okay I just like tuned into this I don't have teeth I don't have food I have none none of my needs are met in this moment and I'm alone and no one gives a fuck about me right now I don't my family doesn't know where I'm at nothing and I um I was like huh I wouldn't call myself unhappy right now like and I just realized in that moment like oh this is something inside of me and no external circumstances can take this away from me now I throw it away on a regular basis you know when I'm like oh I whatever I can't uh they fucked up my coffee order you know but I um I've lost that and found it again a million times but something that the nightmare button brings or um which I think sometimes it's a nightmare button sometimes it's we're out of alignment which I think would be a cool conversation to have yeah but that it really is truly inside of you and that this idea of utopia is about creating and cultivating an internal experience that is resilient to the external experiences because we all have this kind of fucking sensation that's like okay well when everyone else gonna wake up when's that when's when's the government going to care about enlightenment when is everything outside of me going to be okay because then I will I know I have arrived and this pressure cooker that everyone's living in right now this cart like freakishly cartoonish pressure cooker is really putting forcing us to go inside because that's the only place where utopia is ever going to exist and that's the only way it ever gets expressed outwardly too like that's the key thing with all of like reality is like your internal state of consciousness and belief does create this world so when we look out there and say oh well this is fucked up that's fucked up the government's fucked up all the food's fucked up which we know is true like no one's denying that that's the case but if you actually want to see that change and it's counterintuitive you got to deal with your own shit first because what what happens if imagine this hell hell scenario the world is perfect there's nothing bad and you're fucking miserable because you don't have your shit together that's worse it seems like it's better because at least everything out there is good but it's not then you're still fucking miserable in a perfect utopian society that's hell that's actual hell luckily that's not going to happen we got a long ways to go until everything out there is perfect but you do have to like deal with your shit and I think I truly believed for a very long period of time that I could somehow cheat code my way out of that that I could somehow find the right skill or mechanism or hack where I didn't have to go through the road of actually integrating and dealing with my bullshit because it truthfully like it had gotten me pretty far and like like they're afar so I just assumed that this will continue to work forever and I'll just wake up and be fully realized without actually having to like fix anything that may be misaligned and I fully believe that this year 2023 is the year where if you're trying to escape from your path from your course and we're talking about like deep subconscious stuff it's not what you think your path is the things you want to do if you're trying to like get away from that you will hit turbulence like a lot of it like to play my crash type of turbulence and I can only speak from personal experience that's exactly what has gone on in my life in almost every single way luckily there's like a few pillars of support in my life that are just there and like I personally like I don't know that I'm tough enough that if everything in my life was taken away that I could actually handle it I don't know that maybe I could maybe that's true I've been lucky enough that there are these like pillars of some whether it's friends or family or my kids or whatever there's enough there that I can always be like okay there's foundation for me to work with I don't think it needs to be all stripped away from me is like famous last words but it's not it's not gonna happen but the book of Jobe yeah exactly and it does feel like the book of Jobe sometimes that's when you know you're approaching like the real shit when it does begin to feel like the book of Jobe and this is why Jung wrote about it extensively because that is necessary it's called the nigrato process in like alchemy it's where everything is stripped away it's the blackening that's what nigrato is it's where everything is stripped away and corrodes and decays and everything not just the bad shit everything and that's a necessary precursor for the purification stage where you can actually start to build up some consensus of self that is fully integrated where you're actually beginning to be aware of different levels of your being and how that fits into the dimension we call 3D reality and it's not great it's not like a process anyone would willingly want to take on if you saw it like as a course you could sign up for you wouldn't be like that's I'll do the nigrato I'll do the fucking destruction of everything I care about in my life but it's effective which is why I think it exists and I think if you get anything out of this is like don't freak out or be upset if it starts to happen to you because that just perpetuates the situation and it stalls the point of you actually accepting that this is for your benefit it is not something that is meant to fuck your shit up that that's just not how things work but rest assured if you believe that it'll feel like that and I've been stuck in that for long enough to know that that is actually true but yeah it's just a necessary part I think of becoming more aware and like when we think of like being a realized or aware being it sounds like magical and we're so smart we have all the perspectives and everything is flowy and that's not really what it is it's being aware of everything including the darkness and the shadow and the not so pretty things and the decay of the world and the destruction of it because that's what life is at least here we're not in like the god realm where everything is just beautiful all the time but it it is just like it's a necessary thing that we all have to go through and if you think you don't have to just buckle up no I think here's the last one to go through yep I mean there are many people who've had conversations about you in 2020 and 2021 and in the 2022 and they're like is Noah really just going to get to skip yeah the fucking washing machine yeah I maybe he's on there was a point where I was like he just might be on to something I don't know because he just got to skip it and now Noah's 2023 and I was like all right listen guys 2023 is the year everyone else is like yeah we're actually we did it we're in the dryer already we're waiting for you I'm actually retarded that's the problem it's not that I'm smart it's that I'm so slow it appears that I'm ahead of the game I'm actually an idiot so that's basically what I have discovered and you know there's a usefulness to it obviously but yeah I thought I could skip it too I was skipping it just to be clear it's just what goes up must come down that is the truth and that's not like a nefarious or scary thought it's just you do have to go through this stuff like if you want like an actual life of balance if you want an actual life of really experiencing what it is it is a necessary component of that you don't get to skip that you have to go through that and I don't think that I I wouldn't have said I skipped it before because my life obviously hasn't been perfect throughout it before but I was so detached from it that like I just didn't go through I was like literally like disassociating from that stuff and that was what I was that it's no wonder that I found ketamine back then and I was doing a lot of ketamine because you're literally disassociating from reality and that's an effective strategy but it's not a permanent one you're not gonna stay in this life if that's where you're gonna be your strategy every single time and god blessed ketamine for when I found it it actually was like a blessing but you can't stay in that state in perpetuity if you want to be here that's another place we exist in and go to but yeah it sucks having a good time yeah yeah and I do think there is something about this course correction thing too that like that's probably the metaphor I have discovered not just and one other thing I really realized this year more than any other year is like giving readings and having that as something that I do for people it's for me like I realized that's so fucking quickly when my life was like chaotic when I started speaking with other people and reading energy and talking about people that these people are sure paying me to do this but this is a service for me like this is literally teaching me more about myself than it is really at least in mind and I know that people get something out of it obviously but it's so essential to know at least for me that this is a universal experience that people go through and being able to actually provide perspective for someone who's really going through a hard time and like listen I used to think the imagination stuff was like for me I used to think it was like my treat that I was given but getting emails from people whose kids have like a terminal illness or a brain tumor and they have to go in and decide whether this is going to be like a fatal thing them reaching out to me me holding a space for them teaching them or letting them know about a few things and then them coming back like a month later and being like it magically is gone that's what it's for it wasn't for me to get like some goodie and brag about my treat and how amazing it is it literally like the power of this stuff is real but it's not just for you like that is it's not given to a person because they are blessed with having this gift it's something that's accessible to everyone and it finds people at the right time for their particular path and if you stray from that you will be course corrected and usually not in a pleasant way it's unfortunate I don't want to say unfortunately but it's usually not like a great experience when you're getting course corrected it feels like your life is imploding it feels like you know shit is you know I think about the submarine people who literally had to go through an implosion that's like the metaphor for what at least I felt like I was going through like it's an implosion it's not an explosion it's not like I'm blowing up and everything around me is destroyed it's everything around me the pressure is so great that it's literally imploding from the inside and that is kind of like the spiritual equivalent for what I think this process has been for me and I'm still in it it's not gone it's just I think now I have a more effective perspective about how to approach it which will inevitably lead me through it yeah I think once I get to the point where I realize kind of the lesson you feel like you're on the brick you're you're getting the lesson is starting to come into into shape once I figure that out once I figure out what the energetic and you almost can't figure that out for a while so it's like once I figure out what the energetic shape is so like Lyme disease for me was that I was people pleasing taking on and people pleasing we say like this is a positive thing but people pleasing is trying to control the experience yeah others exactly and so people pleasing trying to be what I thought other people wanted to meet me to be to avoid conflict which then led to me being very inauthentic but it also led to me taking in the energy of every person who was ever going to listen to my podcast to make sure nobody was ever getting triggered by anything and I end up like making myself sick I filled my energy field and then as an allegory my body filled with parasites and spirochetes once I figure that out it was a relatively short process like a four month process of recovering from that once that thing starts to to take form you do start to turn a corner and something that's interesting about the astrology stuff because I I've also gone through the phase where that I'm because I got my ass kicked by my Saturn opposition I start looking at my chart and being like when's the next thing trying to predict you're looking like six years into the future on the pattern is that if you're in alignment it's the wind at your sails it's the wind at your back so when my Saturn return was six months out I got clean and I got my life together my Saturn return was fucking amazing why because I was I didn't know anything about the Saturn return but I was doing what Saturn wanted me to do exactly which was grow the fuck up and get my shit together so then I had Saturn just assisting me but in 2020 when that Saturn opposition hit at the same time that Saturn Saturn was opposite my natal Saturn at the same time it was running back and forth over my Mars and Mercury Mars representing your your life force Mercury representing your mind I was using both of those things not to my own benefit and not necessarily to the benefit of others because I had all this fear of rejection fear of abandonment fear of people getting mad at me I have some sort of like I'm gonna get burned at the stake for talking about this haven't I became like kind of obsessed with staying safe right and didn't really realize I was doing that so I wasn't setting boundaries I wasn't saying no when I meant no I wasn't holding on to my authenticity I was just kind of like what do people want me to do and a lot of that resulted me just not doing anything because and so in that case Saturn's like well you're gonna get your ass kicked a little bit here you know and and not only that but like I had not been taking care of my body you know I was not tuned into my body I was very dissociated for my body so all those lessons were like harsh lessons but when we're in alignment which can sometimes be hard to know what our alignment is when we are in alignment these things are they push you forward like if you have the pattern and you read the pattern it's like if your relationship is is on rocky grounds it's about to get pummeled if your relationship is great you're maybe gonna take it to the next level so it's like these energies are not punitive but did you know you were out of alignment when you had millions of dollars like were you aware of the fact that you were off your square no I was completely I thought I was king in the world like I thought like everything is flowing for me this is exactly what I want what just occurred to me I don't want to lose the thought is like the wind is the wind it's blowing no matter what what alignment is is you have your sails in the direction you want to go in when you're out of alignment it's you got them going in the other direction and that's what it feels like but the wind is just there it's not like it's doing something to you it's going and that's trying to get you to a place that Saturn stuff is exactly what the energy of astrology is it's there but if you're in line with it it's going to be a functional thing Saturn is to get you to take on responsibility to get accountable to grow up to mature if you're fighting against that it's going to be a mother fucker it's going to be the worst thing you've ever gone through but if you're accepting those lessons if you're accepting that energy it is going to be lots of positive transformation of maturation and for me I think I just I really got out of whack like my life was very very flowy and positive so to speak when I started communicating deep inherent truths that I knew they were real I didn't think they were real I wasn't trying to figure out if they were real I knew it and it was authentic and I had amazing amounts of energy and I was in flow it's pumping out like four podcasts a week and it was easy and there was no problems but when I cut that off and just completely changed which direction I was going in I A didn't know I was doing that I thought like I said I thought I was doing great I thought like this is amazing like who makes this much money this quickly who has the ability to do this like this is what I had imagined and it's happening and that is kind of the double-edged sword it's like you know the genie in the bottle like it's going to give you the weird thing you're getting what you ask for whether you like it or not that is a power we have and it's just rather than focusing on like material things this is where desire gets tricky and this is what I've always kind of known about desire it does get a bad rap your desires will actually get you exactly where you're supposed to be but maybe not in the way you thought they would so your desire may be to be wealthy and you know live in this beautiful place and that's what your desire is but that actually may be related to getting you in line and in tune with yourself which is to show you that's not really what you want your desire is going to get you where you need to be but it may not be the thing you wanted it to be so I do believe it's a functional thing it's just be mindful of what your desires are pointing you towards and try to go beneath the thing that is like not just the material thing but like the energetic of what you're attracted to because it's going to happen like that's what I was saying in the beginning like you do not turn this off it is there's no off-switching switch in life or creating your reality it is always active even if you don't know that it is so try to practice some mindful awareness of where you are and the second I turned it off the second I lost track of that is probably the second that my life started to go bad like and not the way I wanted it to go and I know in a year in two years I'll look back and be like thank god thank god that I went through that I have the necessary perspective doesn't feel like that now and I'm pissed off and like fuck this shit but I have the awareness to know that it is something for my benefit I wouldn't and that's just I guess my you know eternal optimism that is annoying even to myself it sometimes that like I know this is for something good you know I know it is for something meaningful and helpful and I it doesn't have to feel like that all the time but I know that and that I do think is why my life has been very magical and blessed and all these amazing experiencing and connecting with amazing people but I think I just I really was trying to skip over like the dark things and really like I would if you would have asked me I would have said yes I am so in touch with my emotions I know everything that's going on I'm willing to experience all the darkness bullshit like absolutely just like total and utter bullshit and just because I know it's bullshit now it doesn't even mean that I'm actually like putting in the heavy lifting I'm just becoming aware that there's heavy lifting I have to do to heal that trauma and like deep kind of like schism that has kind of been there with me my entire life so like yeah I think I'm just realizing um like what a tough nut you your your your avatar is for your higher self to crack and so it literally had to take you up to the highest like building it could find to drop me off yeah the rest of us were like oh I stuck my toe and then we started Dark Knight as a soul and Noah's like no I need to start out with two million the yeah like what the fuck like I rather have not have that and like the truth is is like I don't know what the dollar amount is I I do have full confidence that like this isn't the end of my financial abundance and abundance in general but if I really want that to be a positive thing in my life I have to have some real appreciation for what it's there for right that's I was at the point where I was literally like setting money on fire I'm not literally but like I might as well have been setting money on fire and I think it's the worst thing in the world but I lost any conception of why this could be a useful or functional thing in my life like it was ridiculous I literally was running out of things to buy like I was just like scrambling I mean luckily I had the where with all the give money to people because at least I was helping other people with that and I knew that there was some like benefit for that but like yeah it was I was so out of whack and I'm grateful for that I can you imagine like if it was more and I had kept it I'd still be veering off course to this day and I would be probably increasingly more and more unhappy and I'm lucky that that didn't happen I did get dropped off the building but well I think the difference between wealth and abundance is an important lesson that's true too yeah that's an important lesson because that's a that's a different something I was just gonna say because it wasn't just money I mean the money is a fun year jokes to make but you've had your physical health too yeah like you're you're not you're not just in the money deep dark night as a soul no I'm you just postponed it all to do it at the same time all at the same and that I do know about myself I wait for all of it at the same time like it's it's almost comical like how it's like a cartoon basically it literally is a cartoon in both directions so when it's great it's cartoonishly great and when it's bad it's cartoonishly bad I don't also I think one thing that's really important for me is I was reluctant to share any of this like bad stuff because I had been so vocal and upfront about how amazing everything was so I started to feel like an imposter and a fraud like that's partially why I wasn't doing the podcast is like what the fuck am I gonna get up there and say everything is great your imagination creates everything and meanwhile I'm fucking miserable and I'm losing everything I had like that doesn't I shouldn't be up there doing that but then I started to realize like oh maybe you're supposed to be talking about that things aren't going well maybe that is gonna give a more complete picture of how all of this fits in so people can appreciate when things are going well and if they're not going well to know that that's not your final state you're not stuck in there in perpetuity but yeah I mean like it's it's a ridiculous cartoon well there's so much value in you doing this this is so exciting to me uh I mean I'm sorry for your yeah sorry for your troubles but there's so much value in this because I think in the new age movement the positive thought the whatever and I always did try to be balanced with this um but it's still when you're in the when you're in the thick of it it's hard not to hear you create your reality being synonymous with it's your fault right right and I think the first thing you have to do is work on the parts of you that believe and blame our faults because those are really like carceral carceral right they're embedded in punishment and you have to release you have to do work to like ask like do I actually believe in this do I actually believe that karma is punishment right do I believe that I'm bad do I believe I'm not worthy you know there's so much work in that to get to the point though where there's neutrality and it's like reality just is and then we have to address the belief that everything is supposed to be good or positive all the time because that's a huge fucking crap it's the biggest for me at least the gift of this process is that no matter what's happening you can find you can sit with it to be honest it's not even like I wanted to say like you can find neutrality but it's like no you know how to be in the in the space where the the the ring cloud is is falling to and you're not what am I fucking with words today I haven't successfully gotten a good hit of caffeine yet right everywhere I go they fuck up the drink but uh being able to sit with this one hurts this is difficult and not write a story that's the other thing I want to talk about this here's where a mental hack will work sometimes we mistake feeling our feelings was writing a movie a victim narrative right so I know some people who go through a hard time in life where it's like everything was great and then I got sick everything was great and then I got divorced and I know so many people by the time they get to their 40s that that was the fucking turning point it was 10 years ago and they're like my life was great until that point and and that's narrative that is simply narrative if you can just leave your hand open and be like I'm in a rough one I'm in a rough couple of years it's hard when you're in it it's hard because you're you start creating an identity so before I knew it I was the lime lady I was the sick person and I had to work to get rid of that or I was the person who got left or I was the person who got fired or whatever yeah there is a trap there where you can eventually give it so much power that it becomes your whole identity right yeah rather than sometimes you're up sometimes you're down that that identity thing is something that I this is what I'm realizing this as you're saying it is I've really preached like don't take on identities like don't that's where you get into trouble and that you see this very obviously with like political identities or ideological identities and I do as much as I can to stay away from that but that's like the overt stuff I think where I also got into a trap is I took on the identity of like the imagination person and you can imagine this and before I knew it I was like playing a character and like a persona started to emerge where I had avoided all classifications and identities for so long and then as soon as something came along and that it really started like changing my reality I willingly took on that narrative and identity and didn't see that that was also a trap and like it's crazy to me to look back and see that but I could feel it at the time because obviously when you have people hitting you up and seeing all these things to you and asking you all these questions like you have the answers and stuff you know and trying to be mindful that you're not a guru I've never took on that label in any way but it's your ego is a tricky mother fucking thing and it wants to have an identity because it wants to feel real and I'm not someone who will ever bash the ego I think it is a wonderful functional tool that allows us to navigate this world effectively but it is also tricky and does want to act like it's running the show and it isn't and so when you find an identity and you really latch on to it just try to be aware that you're doing that because and I'm saying this to myself as much as anyone else like advice for other people because I so subtly that happened to me that before I knew it I had an identity and I was wearing it around proud proudly like yeah I got these techniques and they're so good and blah blah blah blah blah and it's like you know sure and they do work all this shit really does work but it's not that it works it's that how can it actually be something that enhances your life and enhance doesn't have to mean make good or better it's just how can it give you perspective or awareness to work through shit if it's not going well or to appreciate stuff if it is going well because that's what we want we don't want just to get everything we want like I've often said this like it feels like this reality like people think about time being this slow restrictive thing think fucking god can you imagine if you thought of something and it instantly happened right then you thought about getting kicked in the nuts and you just got kicked in the nuts my boobs would be huge yeah exactly like all these crazy things would happen so like I'm appreciative of that temporal reality but we think sometimes like we want stuff that's not actually what we want we want the awareness to be able to at least function in a way that allows it's like the if you look at your anyone's life the time you've probably felt best is when you can appreciate what you have just whatever it is yeah whatever it is in your life it could be nothing in a bus stop like that but just to know that like I'm okay like it doesn't have to be anything I mean I can tell you you haven't really experienced kind of depression until this is gonna sound so bad until you are depressed on a yacht when you're depressed on a yacht that's real depression that's a real depression because then you're like fuck I'm supposed to be I'm in the most beautiful magical wonderful place and I can't even be present and happy here that's it sounds like oh well at least you want a yacht it's better than being on like a ditch yeah but at least you have the ditch to blame for your yeah that's the thing that people don't I used to say like the the scariest form of realizing reality is not real the scariest template is to be at the top of the mountain and realize it's not there yeah because there is some sort and that's why I think we see like movie stars and stuff take their lives is because of course you we all are born with this idea that it's out there it's in a relationship it's in it's in money it's in success it's in being seen it's in fame it's in these things and if you have the rare opportunity to be firing on all of those cylinders and then you find out it's not there yeah that's the worst fucking place to be that's why we see so many people with who have it all and they're fucking getting drugs and everything else that is a nightmare place to be because the hope will keep you going because you have like the hope of oh when I get there exactly and once it's all there for you and it's still not change it's almost cliche of course to like say it like that but it's true like it is just it's a painful truth that you encounter that there really isn't anything out there that is going to fix solve or make you happy it's just it's not it's a you can and you don't realize the truth of that until you kind of go through it or if you're lucky enough you get it before you have to go through that because it sucks like it really sucks to really like be and like you were talking about this with like you know your your music career and the success you had like you were like fuck I have all this stuff and it's not scratching that itch that I was sure it was going to scratch that everyone told me it's going to scratch and it's kind of a tough reality to face but luckily you know people are resilient that's one thing I've learned more than probably anything is that like people are so much tougher than you think they are like it's it's actually unbelievable how resilient people are it's incredible I mean you see like a junkie on the street leaning over you may look at them like some weak defeated person that motherfucker is somehow finding a way to get up and do drugs in the worst of conditions every fucking day like that's it's not a good life I don't think but no I wish I had half the work ethic right that what I needed to find right like that's just a smidge of those days right that's like true motivation like when you I mean it's just it's a wild fucking ride and I am hoping at least now by you know talking about this stuff and speaking about where I actively am and just committing like you know I really made the commitment at the beginning of this month towards the end of June that like regardless of financial gain regardless of feedback from other people like I am doubling down on what I know I'm supposed to be doing that's why I pumped out all these zodiac readings for the patreon it's like there's 70 people on the patreon I used to have like 400 people it's not like this is for all these people but I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing now even if no one was listening like this is what I need to do to kind of cleanse myself and one thing I don't want to get lost because you mentioned a couple times is the body your body is the most basic and best tool you have for accessing any of these realizations and if your body is out of whack you pretty much have no shot you like do not have a shot of reaching any level of realization or attainment or bliss or realization because that's like the last signal for you and I firmly believe like you have an opportunity to experience truths on a spiritual level if you pass that up you got it on an emotional level if you pass it up you get it on a mental level if you pass that up then you get to the physical level and that's where your body starts really fucking saying shit to you that's where I believe autoimmune diseases come from even something is something as simple as like a broken limb this is what is telling you like you got to pay attention to something you have to clean it on I just know from this cleanse that I've been on yeah it was not me in a shape I didn't realize any of this stuff until I actually started it I think I probably wouldn't have either I could have thought about these conceptually and realized all this stuff but until I at least started to get my body somewhat back on track it was going to be kind of a fruitless endeavor like there was just no possibility of me cleaning up really and you did a parasite cleanse in that I did the first thing was a parasite cleanse a 14 day one then I am finishing today the kidney cleanse which I've never pissed so much in my life like I'm getting up and peeing like 10 times a night it's awful I had a panic attack because I thought I was had kidney stones like a week ago and my wife is like you dumbass you're literally doing the thing that would actually get rid of the kidney stones it was gas I really like had a fart that's what it was but I literally had a panic attack in the middle like two in the morning I'm like getting clammy hands and like almost fainting and she's like you're actually an idiot and then I'm doing a liver flush starting tomorrow for about 10 days and then I'm doing like a liver cleanse no I'm doing the liver cleanse then two days of just pure fasting this liver flush then heavy metal detox and I'm not like a beacon of health right now I'm smoking cigarettes like it's not like I'm the healthiest person but just making the conscious decision to pay attention to what I'm putting into my body and making taking the step to like cleanse anything it's like that's a shortcut that's a fucking hack like I've been working on a theory that um that the world is run by actual physical parasites yes like we projected onto the elite or the government or whatever but that is actually microorganism parasites that are hijacking human bodies and using us as Edgar suits so that they can experience reality and what we call consciousness unconsciousness is when your consciousness is actually your body's actually being used by a parasite who's experiencing reality and so then we are super parasitic when we're in that consciousness we're very codependent in relationships we're greedy with money we're us versus them it's because we're parasite consciousness and this is why most people in their awakening journey or in their reawakening journey do a parasite cleanse it's because there is some sort of sense that I have to actually get rid of the parasites then I also have a theory that all of the parasites together are part of some larger hive mind and that's why you see that kind of perfect chaos work out to where everyone kind of collectively decides that we should eat food that's poison and that we should we should eat a lot of sugar and also the medicine should be garbage and then we should stare at these screens and fuck up our circadian rhythms is because we are all just kind of in a trance of parasite consciousness so not to feed uh an idea like that because it is kind of scary but I will say a couple of things about that one is several times on moderate doses of ketamine I had that exact same and I literally felt as I was peeing one time that we are being hijacked by some life form and it is literally controlling us and they're kind of like laughing at us that like look what we're making them do they think they have autonomy we're just feeding off them and like this was a very crystal clear thought if you know anything about ketamine when you have those crystal clear thoughts like it's different than just being kind of in this haze and then the worst drug experience I've ever had in my life was I was on uh some acid cratum ketamine nitrous weed and then I had the brilliant idea to try smokeable DMT for the first time that sounds like a great idea and uh I did that and I immediately got blasted out of my body kind of regressed through physical time all the way back to pre childhood and then when I started coming out of it uh every in-breath all reality would disappear and I'd be an avoid every out-breath it would be like an accordion kind of opening up in reality would come back and then overlaid my friends who I was physically in the room with would be these demonic like alienish vampire life forms that would go like this oh yeah yeah yeah money's not real just not yeah give us what we want yeah it's cool no no you want to do that hey yeah no no we're your friends yeah yeah we we want to do nice things for you and it was the I get shown just thinking about it because like it was the scared most scared I have ever been in my life it knocked me so far off my axis that it took me a solid 10 minutes to just recalibrate to any sense of base reality and I have not touched ketamine since I touched it one other time and it came back just on like a little dose I'm like I don't want to put this one away for now um it won't touch DMT um it completely altered my relationship with drugs in like a very fundamental way but and I also couldn't frame it or process it in a way that made sense for at least like two weeks to a month like I was just like what the fuck I don't believe that what was that but it does fit into what you're talking about and I do believe physical reality is an extension of higher consciousness so any physical parasite would be an extension of something on a different energetic level right but it doesn't negate the fact that that is a very good theory and feel and this isn't to like scare anyone like or you know make them think they're doomed I think that just the knowledge that that's a possibility should be an empowering thought because you can at least address the issue but I had no idea where that was coming from at the time but it was the most scared I've ever been in my life it was literally like these demon vampire I liked something you said later about that because I talked to you but right after it happened yeah like later down the road you're like I synced up with a parasite consciousness because I was being parasitic right I was like oh I'm gonna go into the other realm and get some music yeah exactly and that is why I think I got shown that it was a reflection of what my intention was I literally thought like oh it's going to the DMT realm and get some cool melodies and bring them back for everyone like a fucking moron and of course like I got served my ass and it was like yeah you think you're gonna do that here have the most terrifying experience of your life and it probably will be like I don't think I'm gonna top that one but I do think there is some truth though to that these microorganisms that we know are real and do live in our gut biome which has been proven to affect our higher thought of our brain like we're talking about how everything is kind of poison right there I mean I hope people put some awareness on what's going into their bodies because everywhere else in nature there are parasites that hijack the brains of organisms and get them to do things that are not good for them right literally kill themselves yeah yeah yeah so I've been doing nervous system work yeah and this is like something I had a guest a Seth lion on a couple years ago who talked about it and I figured I got it is another one of those things where I'm like oh yeah I get it I get it and meanwhile I'm like I have crippling social anxiety and I can't fucking handle other people and then I really like in because I got sick in 2020 I just I stopped doing comedy I stopped leaving the house I would we created a little pod at home and then I just I podcast from home and I it's gotten weirdly that does not improve social anxiety yeah definitely never never forcing yourself to socialize does not make you better at it and so now it's kind of gotten to the point where I can't guess on a lot of people's podcast because I can't I can't I would now say my nervous system can't handle it but I was just kind of calling it social anxiety for the last 10 years since I heard that it called that so I was doing a session with someone recently who I was talking about I'd gone out to LA to record an episode of of my own podcast in bomb don't it because this thing got activated and so they started telling me about something called SSP which is a thing that's actually weirdly gate kept by Western medicine but it's you listen to music that is and you have to do with the practitioner and it's like very gate kept so it's like they have to have master's degrees whatever but like um listen to this music there's five hours of music all together that is like out of tune or it's in a different frequency mark understands this part yeah and it moves frequency it's not just in one it's like oscillating it so it brings you through the expanse of certain frequency so it's taking your nervous system in and out of sympathetic and parasympathetic have you done this deep dive yet do you know I know the differences between those but I had not done the deep dive so there's like I haven't memorized it yet but it's like there's mobilized which is like fight or flight and there's immobilized which is like freezer fawn and it seems as if I'm pretty much like my baseline is a freeze and fawn and so strange things like my digestive system doesn't work which is you know I've talked about on every podcast uh to everyone's dismay um that is a symptom of your body being locked in freeze and I can't up until very recently can't even go to like a target if I walk into a target or a grocery store and there are a lot of people in it my body feels like I am in NOM I mean it's weird you don't like New York City how weird right this is the easiest New York City's ever been for me we've had things where what anyway so it's bad I have a lot of nervous systems that's what I'm learning and so I started doing this treatment and um you know I was like it's five hours of listening total and I was like cool I'll be done in five weeks no problem we'll get to my week we had to stop after I had to take a three week break um after we started the third hour because I was losing it I was and I couldn't tell what was real because my nervous system was having this reaction like I'm in fucking danger and um I can handle that sort of stuff I'm very good at writing like um bad trips or whatever but uh the person I was working with was like yeah I was like yeah we had a rough night and they were like okay yeah let's take a little bit of a break and um then I knew I had this trip coming up and then I just kind of sat in this overall sense of being unwanted which is my worst nightmare which is like my nervous system stuff what has started to happen though is like all of these situations that would ordinarily have me losing it I am like I'm becoming more resilient and able to function in crowds or like if I'm in a small space and um people are trying to get past me like that oh like that stuff sends me over the edge talking to strangers um having an awkward thing where it feels like maybe someone doesn't want me there I don't know how to describe it I have room for experiences that ordinarily launch me into a trauma response and so I think when we're talking about the body I think we're talking about what we're eating how we're exercising which is both of those things are different for different people um how we're managing stress but also this nervous system thing I think is the key to unlocking like true truly integrated supernatural abilities it makes a lot of sense I mean like a fundamental level like that is what's generating our experience like it's our brain and our connection to our nervous system that like yeah my I'd be curious if Denise my wife knows a lot about this because she's very much into the nervous system stuff and she knows a ton about this shit because she'll talk about nerves and you know how it's all integrated and it's all related I just don't fucking I do what she's talking about yeah but I know it's like she's always been right it annoyingly right for someone like me too like she's always right yeah I mean it makes a lot of sense because if you try to like this is where I always kind of disagreed with the stoics and like the Socrates and that school thought is like they viewed the body as a hindrance they viewed it as something where like you need to get rid of the body because it's just fucking your shit up experientially and that just never sat right with me because it's like well then why do you have a body like what do we come here imagine coming here in the entire time it's like yeah we need to go back yeah like what are you doing like there's it kind of just places it and frames it as though this is a mistake or there's something that has gone wrong and that we should just not deal with that which just like never sat right with me but yeah I mean the body is like it's your gateway like it's cliche it's your temple it's a cliche to say but it is like it actually is the vessel that holds your consciousness right now and sure you can break out of it you can do psychedelics and meditate or whatever you want to do but you're in it like let me know when you're not but you're in it so the fact that you would try to do any type of real deep work without acknowledging that or just like omitting it like it is not gonna work it's just not gonna work and it's also something you always have access to like that's a really good thing like you don't have to like go out and go to a top of a mountain and meditate for fucking 20 years like your body is always there it's always ready and willing to be used in service for whatever it is you're trying to do so yeah definitely want to hear more about that because I for the first time in my life I'm actually open to like my body like teaching me things and paying attention to it I completely disregarded it and so and that's like a kind of a benefit and and and kind of downside of you is like you know like you don't have to pay attention to your body it just works it does what you want it to do and then you know and you always think when you're young that that's because you're special and not that because you're young I just remember older people and I do think a lot of the deterioration of getting older is choices we make right um I like I'm starting to have like mobility issues from sitting around for two years and it's like I know the adults the generation above me think that your hips just stop working it's like no you just have to do mobility work you can no longer get away with not doing mobility work but I remember when I was young and older people would talk about their experiences and me just being like I don't have to deal with exactly and really think it is because I'm magic and not because I'm 28 I know I'm about to be 40 it actually isn't bothering me that I'm gonna be 40 it's bothering my parents a lot they're really yeah because they're like fuck like our son is about to be 40 we're super fucking old like I don't feel old and I don't feel old but I just I really have started to notice some and the parasite thing I strangely have not had digestive issues until the past year or so and they have cropped up like I'd never been constipated my entire life and now I'm like I haven't pooped for three days like what the fuck is going on and it's all related I think again I think it's like good to be aware of this it's not pleasant in any way shape or form but like it's a way to at least like you shouldn't be happy that you have all these things not going great but at least you have a route to approach your shit literally you have like a route to actually like deal with your stuff that's where I think hopelessness actually starts to come in when you feel like you have no options right I don't know anyone with no options you could look at the most hopeless person in the world from the outside looking in they have options like there's one beautiful thing about this world is you kind of always have the option to do something about your life it doesn't go away there's gradients and degrees of that but yeah fuck all right well Mark kind of dominated this yeah I know I was gonna say like he's talking way too much this is fucked up he's literally yawning by the way looks like you're going done yet I've been enjoying you guys conversations I don't have anything to add I'm not gonna do that in well I think this is a natural place thank you guys for doing this really appreciate it it's fun yeah all right so the amount bless this house desire are you all to be loving me desire are you all to be loving me desire are you all to be loving me desire are you all to be loving me hope you enjoyed that episode I sure did it's always great catching up with Jessa and Mark they're super fucking cool I love them they're just the best a reminder if you want live streams music making fun stuff listen I'm not gonna lie the patreon used to be shit I didn't do anything for it I took advantage of people's good intentions and being awesome who gave me money every month for very little content and energy and exchange and I've changed that I am actually now doing a patreon that I'm actually proud of like you're getting a ton of content there I'm releasing a lot of it for free so people can get a taste and sense of what it's about and if you're into it and you dig it sign up it's patreon.com/synchronicity that's the place to be I hope to see you in there we have a lot of fun we're creating a real community of just like-minded dope people that's what it is and there's no commitment you can sign up and be like this sucks I don't want to do it and you know that's it you don't have to stay all right that's it I will see you soon for another episode until then bye bye America is turning 250 and that's a reason to celebrate this 4th of July start your celebration at Total Wine and More from Backyard Barbecues to fireworks with friends and family Total Wine and More is your go-to for beer wine and spirits they've got a huge selection with the lowest prices America only turns 251's pick up a great 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