What Is Life with Lara from Pussy Church

(upbeat music) ♪ I wasn't fine, no one could save me but you ♪ ♪ Strange what is I am, I fully should be brought to ♪ ♪ I never dream that I met somebody like you ♪ ♪ I never dream that I knew somebody like you ♪ ♪ No one could save me but you ♪

Welcome to Synchronicity. My guest this week is Lara from Pussy Church. She's been on before. Her podcast, Pussy Church is great out every Sunday. Speaking of which, this is a two-parter. This is part one. Part two will be out Sunday. I'm actually gonna record some additional stuff related to sex and other things, sex related. 'Cause that's what her podcast is about. It's pretty great, check it out. You can check her out on Instagram, Tales of Lara, there'll be links, all of that stuff. She's great, we spoke about a bunch of stuff, not so much sex stuff. I think there was dick-sucking talk. I think that's basically it.

We were really talking kind of the nitty gritty of manifestation and kind of beginner, intermediate, kind of realizations and some expert level shit. It was pretty cool. It's always nice to catch up with her. She's a good friend. So I think you're gonna enjoy these episodes. It was pretty fucking cool. And kept part two on her podcast on Sunday with some additional stuff that she'll drag out of me. 'Cause that's what she does. That's it, I mean, super short intro. Do I have anything else? Guys, take a look at what's going on in the world. Are we taking the stocks, the GameStop stuff? Who knows about this?

Where they're basically having individuals liquidate large hedge funds. We're living in peak reality. It's pretty amazing. Everything is getting decentralized, which is good. Bitcoin, I will stop mentioning it when it stops being a good idea to get some. So you don't have to get just Bitcoin. Discord server's popping off a lot of new patrons. This cycle, there'll be details for what to do on the end of this episode. I don't wanna bore you in the beginning. You know, if you like it, you'll be there at the end. You're fucking join the club. It's fun. That's it for this intro. It's gonna be fucking good.

I know it is 'cause it's already recorded. Here is Lara from Pussy Church. (upbeat music) (upbeat music)

Yeah, I mean, I'm interested to hear we could basically just catch up. I'm interested to hear what's been going on with you because wow, life has just been throwing the fucking curve balls and fastball balls at everyone. It's just, it's just unrelenting.

Oh my God, it's been saying, unrelenting. No, it's been like so insane. Like, I don't even know where to start because I think this, I mean, everyone was like, "Oh, 2020 is gonna be over." And now in 2021, and new party. And you're like, "Oh, no."

I'm not even close.

Same party, worse. It's like later at night, you know what I mean? Like when you get really drunk and you just wanna go home, it's just like at that point.

We're definitely like at the after-after party. And like when the fuck you're asleep, I know, I know.

You took too many drugs you can't sleep. You're like, "Jesus, when is this at the finally over?"

I feel like we're here for a decent amount. At least for me, having like, I feel like they come so hot and heavy. So many like just like challenges and like ego deaths and just like so many things coming at us. I do think my response to those things has matured in some way that like, I'm getting better at dealing with and like staying balanced during a lot of those things. And also I feel at least now at this time period how I'm taking 2021 at least is like it's organized time. Like get set up, like get yourself in the right position. You don't have to be exactly where you know you'll be in five years or what you're destined for, but like--

Because you do not know, right? If anything is, if it's taught us anything, I feel like it's like you have like planning only makes sense so far and you'll have to get used to curveballs constantly. I actually get like kind of weirded out, like I got weirded out because I really settled into a groove. And then I was like, "Shit, I don't wanna get used to this "because I don't want this to be really my reality." But like now at the moment, my reality is really nice.

Yeah, you said you're in the beautiful, amazing snowy paradise, that--

Yes, I am. And I kind of dreamt, I kind of dreamt it up, you know? And so I'm kind of a sense, I wrote about this like a few weeks ago and I was like, "This is what I want." And then it kind of happens.

Thanks to that, that's amazing how-- I mean, I know I've recommended that to a lot of people in readings just because whenever I do it, like it's just, if you have a malleable enough mind to accept something like that actually working and it works a few times, you're like, "Oh shit, I think that probably always works." And it's related to like how much you allow it and believe in it, but it's pretty, it's a pretty good one, writing your--

Well, it's funny because like sometimes, you know, you try things and like, we've talked so much about like my ups and downs and yours.

Yeah.

But for some, sometimes it doesn't work in some kind of a sense, you know? And you're like, "I don't know why life's throwing "like more lessons that may add to like an habit," you know? And something just happens. I mean, I envision, to be completely fair, I envision myself with a man on the beach working and having sex. I, everything kind of is exactly that, but it's snowing outside and it's beautiful, mountain, you know?

Kind of the opposite environment, but you know, it is beautiful.

The rest.

You know, I mean, exactly. And you got the actual feeling of what you wanted. And that I think is super important too. Like a lot of people tend to be like, I want to be here, I want to be here, I want to be this. And there's a feeling attached to it, which is what you actually want. And it's not necessarily the circumstances. And that kind of allowing things to kind of shape themselves based on the feeling is like that's, that I think is a big lesson in a lot of this kind of manifestations though.

I mean, I find it so fascinating, honestly. I'm still, I think every time I try to like make full sense out of what's happening in my life, it goes like the opposite way, like is not productive. You said this to me the last time, you're just like, just relax. And I'm like, because to be honest, I was thinking about this the other day too, and talking to a friend. I've experienced so much shit in my life, you know? So whenever like I can create something that's very beautiful and I'm like, oh, I know, I'm actually, I am creating the negative and the positive, right? And it's not like I've figured this shit out.

It's just, I'm getting closer to understanding that when something not so great happens, I'm like, oh, what is this trying to tell me? All right, okay.

Which is like a fundamental first step of realizing like, oh, this stuff isn't here to fuck my shit up. I think that's, that I think is, so it's just like evolving your perspective. Like that's not, why would anyone do that in the first place? Like to yourself, if you're gonna.

I know.

Like people do because they believe that that's what they're destined for. And that's why I try to like always just kind of crack it open as little as little as they need to be like, okay, I think I actually am gonna determine what's going on. And it's not that it's always easy to relax. Like there are some objectively difficult times like if you're on a plane and it feels like it's going down, it's not like just relax buddy. So I get that there is kind of like shit that happens in our lives, but ultimately in those situations, whatever degree of kind of like peace and calm and relaxation we can find goes a long way.

It's like a little bit goes a long way. And I do think the things that tend to be our trigger points as we can kind of like settle and like learn how to be like more kind of like steady in those that seems to be productive. It's like a gentle controlling of like your moods and emotions is probably how I describe it.

Yeah, because I think there's something, you know, mainly in my life, it's always centered like all the stuff that I'm struggling with is always relationships, right? Like it's a constant, I don't know what I actually, was talking to astrologist about my birth chart again, like a few months ago. And like within my birth chart, something shows like that I learn most through sex and relationships. And I'm like, that is actually-

That's literally coincidence.

What a great coincidence that this is what I do professionally and in my life, it's a constant theme. And I was like, okay, if that is the way I learn then everything that happens to me in that realm is not negative. It's just like, so I can evolve. And those are the main triggers in my life that help me evolve in general, right? It's just those are the learning things. This is like where it's always gonna hit me and where I always have to work through it in order to go further.

Yeah.

I'm sure everyone has a different, I'm sure some people have constant problems with, I don't know, with their job.

People have money, it can be any of those things. And people move through cycles in life sometimes depending on where they're, I mean, I can say someone who also tends to process most of my biggest lessons and emotions through relationships. Yeah, I mean, it's a valid, you know what it is, is because they're reflections of the one consciousness, which is fundamentally kind of what we are even though we have these individual perspectives. So it's a really effective kind of mirror-like strategy. It's very, but it's also really easy to get lost in those types of things and kind of consumed, I think finding that delicate balance between like other and self is probably the biggest, one of the bigger lessons we learn here, 'cause it's not one or the other, it's not a binary thing here.

At other dimensions, it probably is. It's probably like, oh yeah, you're just you, or you're just this unity, like so.

Yeah, here's definitely, I mean, here in this reality it's definitely, I mean, I think what helped me a lot is like, we talked about this quite a bit, but like having this idea that everybody who comes into your life is a mirror of something that's going on, right? And not to say that they don't have like their own individuality and like their own shit going on, that they're projecting on you, or like they see in you, but I think that's, I mean, that lesson is pretty hard. I mean, I learned pretty hard lessons for that, you know, because it was like, why the fuck am I working so hard on myself?

And then these people come into my life where I'm like, they're so destructive. And I'm like, oh, you know, it is, it is mirroring my own destruction. And like, how can I look into what I'm actually doing? Like, how am I sabotaging myself? How am I, like I'm at this person, this guy, at your gym bottom, last August or something. And he's real destructive, you know? And I was just like, okay, what is it that is similar? Like, what do I carry within me, you know? Like, what kind of addiction do I have?

Yes, where can I not otherwise this person, just 'cause they're showing me some clear things. Like, where do I do that? That's useful, that's the best.

I know, but it's hard. I mean, if you have to look at that shit, you're like, where am I, where am I addicted? You know, if somebody is addicted to something and you're like, why the fuck are you an addict? And I'm like, oh, where am I an addict? Like, not just drugs, make you an addict.

Of course, of course, it could be feelings.

Sex can make you--

Yeah, it could be, there's infinite things that you can be addicted to. And I think, you know, addiction is what I think we probably just call a strong tendency to repeat a certain kind of behavior.

Yay, that's nice, that's a nice way to put it, yeah.

It's on a spectrum of how we kind of recognize how we wanna control or work with that. Sometimes we feel like we're compelled to do something, like we have to do it. And, you know, questioning that and understanding where that maybe, you know, the origin is always a useful thing, but at the end of the day, one thing I definitely learned about any type of habitual or addictive patterns is like, until you're done with that shit, you're not gonna be done with it. Like, everyone who's overcome addiction or done something, like, they were either 100% done with it and they have the proper relationship and whether they do it again, it won't be the same thing, or they're like just waiting.

They're just waiting 'cause that relationship hasn't ended yet, so, you know.

Yeah, but that's difficult because I think, I was thinking about this exactly yesterday. I was like walking through the snow alone and I was, okay, so my addiction.

My addiction, it's a dramatic. But, like, a little bit like that. I was like, oh, what about my addiction? So, if an addiction normally starts with, like, something bringing you some kind of a joy for a little bit, right? And then, you repeat it over and over again, it starts to, like, bring your pain, right? And then it gets uncomfortable and you're like, oh shit, like, it's causing a lot of pain in my life. And then, it's kind of, like, step-by-step also making decisions, you're like, okay, maybe today I'm not smoking that cigarette.

Don't suck that dick.

Sure, sure. - You know, depending which addiction it is.

Yeah, I have the former. (both laughing)

You're like, is it a cigarette or a dick? Is it the same, in the end? But, you know, just be like, okay, maybe today, I'll leave it. It doesn't mean that I'll never suck a dick again or suck it again. - Right, right.

And to give yourself, like, one day at a time kind of choices with that, you know?

Yeah, I think it's also, I was thinking about this the other day, it's directly related to this, like, working with addiction. So, if you're just starting--

Addiction. - Right?

There you go.

If you're just, like, starting to discover that maybe you have some influence on kind of, how, what happens in your life, based on your moods and feelings, just being able to change that. If you start immediately claiming when you're, you know, chronic dick sucker or a chronic-- (both laughing)

It sounds like I only suck dick like that.

It's not, it's all I can do. So, whether that or cigarettes or any other addiction you have, and you say, in the moment, I am not addicted to that. I am not. That will not work. What you're actually doing is crystallizing the subconscious belief, which is probably a deep impression at that point that you are. So, any conscious kind of, like, pushing away of it tends to have the opposite effect. So, what you were saying, like, to, you know, how your approach of taking it one day at a time or making them choice-based there, I think the better way of doing it, if you're a beginner, if you're just getting familiar with this stuff, is to be like, you know what, every day, I'm getting better at, like, at, you know, the choices I'm making are better.

I'm getting healthier. I'm getting more successful. I'm getting, just basic things, that way you kind of create, your subconscious will accept that. That's a reasonable thing. Subconscious will almost always believe. When you get to the point where you kind of have worked that magic enough times, I guess, in enough areas that were, like, big things in your life, you can then get to the point where you start self-identifying with having everything or being everything, and then it becomes easier just to accept certain states of consciousness rather than being like, oh, I had to fight against this thing 'cause I don't want to do it, right?

That's--

Yeah, I mean, it's also, like, in the beginning, like you said, it's really difficult to be like, because the first step kind of is, like, an addict, right? Like, in every, even if you go to AA, right? Like, the first thing you say, I'm an alcoholic. And even, for example, you actually taught me that too. I would get really frustrated about the situation in the summer where I met this person, and it was really difficult. And then the first thing I had to do afterwards, was like, I had to admit that I liked this person and it didn't work, you know? I was like, ah, I just have to say, I just liked him, it's fine, it's impossible, but it's fine.

And then it took so much pressure out of it, right? Because if I would've thought something like now, be like, oh, I'm not an addict, or tomorrow I'll be perfect. That's my subconscious is gonna be like, what the fuck are you saying?

No way, Jose, that's the thing you can't fight with your subconscious, I mean, you know, we have these terms masculine and feminine energies, masculine being objective, conscious mind, kind of directive, and it's not a gender thing. And then feminine being subjective, kind of, you know, you can imprint it with different things. It's a lot in my experience working with like feminine energy, whatever it comes from, you can't just like run up on it. You can't be like, hey, this is what you need to do now. Like that should never in the history.

It never works.

It never worked in any situation. But you're like, hey, you know what, this is where we are now. But here's an idea. Doesn't this sound maybe interesting at some point to you? That tends to get accepted more on like a deeper level than like firmly. The beauty is, like I'm saying, at a certain point, you do kind of get to just instantly claim certain states. And you'll notice it when you're in a very challenging or previously triggering situation. And you start handling it with like a little more grace, a little more equanimity. So it works both ways. But I think initially, especially in like, seem to be pretty chaotic times for most people, gently kind of massaging the idea by saying like every day, things are getting better.

I'm doing better. That's good.

I also heard, I was having this long discussion with a shaman, funny enough, a few months back. And he was talking about seduction. The word, the word "seducing" has like so many negative connotations. Right? But he was more talking about, and I'm gonna paraphrase and like kind of add the things that I learned from it, you know? Because I'm probably not gonna be able to say exactly what he said. But the thing was about like seducing yourself, right? To, like you said, you can't just run up on yourself and like scream and be like, "No, it's different. Now you're different. Do this." But if you seduce yourself in a way of like, does not feel nice, you want to try that feeling for a little bit.

Can you like experience it again? Can you make yourself feel that way again? And that being obviously the healthier choice, hopefully, that you're trying to seduce yourself with. That actually works really well. I mean, I figured out a way, even last summer, to create the feeling of being in love for myself without anybody else. It is the most fascinating thing. I can't hold it for a long time. I mean, hopefully later on I will be. Because that's probably, I mean, not the dicks. That was a joke, but that feeling is my addiction, right? And I'm starting to create my own drug, in a sense, in a positive way.

And so I seduce myself away from like maybe hurting myself in order to get that feeling. And I'm trying to connect it with something different. That's probably one of the best things you can do, like internally, alchemy-wise, because when you actually start holding that kind of like frequency for yourself, you have so much more latitude and where and how you approach things that come into your world, right? There's not going to be. I feel like you do this really well. You know, I do now, I do now. And I've gotten to see that as I continue to kind of maintain that and understand it, like it came with the certain kind of unpackaging of things I inherently kind of knew from a very young age.

I think everyone knows this, like when you're a kid, for the most part, you're not really having questions about self-worth and like self-esteem. That comes later when there's interactions with other people. So everyone is inherently kind of born with this quality to love themselves and feel good. But it is come sometimes a lot of unpacking of that as you go through time to remember it and then just accept it. And it's pretty great, I got to say, because it doesn't immunize you from like all negative experience. It's sometimes it's the opposite, but it does kind of teach you that your reactions and moods, even if there are tendencies there, are alterable. And you can have different results, you know, that come back to reinforce what you believe show up as well. Instead of like, you know, something pushing you past the point where it's now everything is like fucked up in your relationships or like your world and like really becoming like catastrophic. Maybe that stuff doesn't stop to happen. Maybe the same type of things, but it's not the same result. And so like you get to like, you have an ability to test this stuff.

That is the most important thing is like, it's not take my word for it, take someone else's word for it. It's like, you know, get into the states of consciousness of really like being self-sufficient, nine of pentacles energy, like really embodying self love, that type of energy really serves people in the long run because it's not dependent. It's not relational. It's like, it's unconditional. Well, but also like, how do you want I mean, if you get into a relationship in the end, this is not just romantic, right? Like, it is any relationship you have that obviously is often connected with some love. And even if it's hate, it's like love reversed, you know, but in some kind of a sense, I do feel like I thought about this quite a bit of it. I was like, okay, you can complain about things that come into your life or whatever. But in some kind of a sense, if you don't, if you're not able to do it for yourself, you can't expect anybody else to give it to you.

And it sounds so cliche, but it is the truth. No, I mean, how am I, if I'm completely fucked up for like a better way to put it, I can't expect somebody to come and like be amazing to me, because I'm not even amazing to myself. Or if you do, it's not that you should be wary, but you should recognize kind of what you might be attracting at that point. Yeah, really, every good thing that's going to come into someone's life is going to truthfully come from a place of like confidence and belief and like feeling good. There doesn't mean you can't get blessings and like amazing things when you're at a low point, not feeling good, they come into your life. No, of course. It's just yeah, like what you feel you're deserving of is constantly what you're giving yourself is the way I would describe it. And that can be as simple as like psychologically, the mood you put yourself in, or you can take it literally like the lunatic like me, which means like actually different things are going to come into your world and appear differently because of your internal kind of change, which seems to be the case most of the time. But yeah, it is, it's a constant process of like self reflection. Wait, so you're saying because there's a huge difference because I feel like for me, you said this, you always say this when you talk about manifestation that you manifest something and you let go of it in a sense like it can come whenever it wants to come into your life. And this is like where I struggle the most, you know, because I'm always like, so I've been manifesting and imagining this, where the fuck is it?

Yeah, but that's the thing. It's taking a long time. That's how to compare. But how does that compare with the things that have happened? What are those things like? Do you think about them in the same way? Do you ask why is it happened? When is it coming? Like, where is the difference? Sometimes I do, I'm not even saying like you never do that. Sometimes something that I know is coming, I will ask those questions. And then I look back on like, I waited two days before I started actually. I know. What am I doing? Like, this is like a big fucking thing. And I waited two days and I'm like, what is moving up? But even so, but I've noticed the ones that like really have tended to get pushed back. You know, that's, there's an energy there of doubt. There's an energy of like, am I going to see it? Like, is it actually going to happen? But that's just fuel for the fire. Like, that's something to work with. And ultimately, you will forget about it. One great thing about having like human consciousness is we're the most forget old. It's insane how bad collectively, individually, memory is for people.

It's just, yeah, it's the best memories. It's like, not that good in terms of recall. I forget names. Like forget every day. I forget a lot. I'm very loose grip on time as it is. So like, you know, anyway, that is a tool, though, that can be used because you will forget things that you really wanted. That's why when things happen, like people will be like, you know, I wanted this thing when I was a little girl or a little boy and like, you know, I never thought about it for the next like 20 years. And now I look where I am and like, here it is, like, that's because you forgot about you just like totally let it simmer and do its thing. And then that also, you don't tend to ask questions when you recognize that's what's going on. You'll be like, all right, it's not here yet. I would have preferred if it was here. That would have been nice, but it's not, doesn't mean it's not coming. Just means that like, I clearly have some energy there or it's a sufficiently big enough thing that it requires kind of like a gestation period. Like, you know, having a kid or like whatever it is, there are things that objectively take more time.

Subjectively, they do too. The cool thing is you can employ this kind of like quantum level jumping for some things that maybe seem very improbable for other people. Most people, it's inconceivable to them that they could have like hundreds of billions of dollars, which is like tomorrow or just in general, hundreds of billions. It's just like something most people don't want to devote the mental emotional exertion to believe that. Some people do, you know, on Musca, Jeff Bezos, they literally, that's what they believe. And so that always is within our control, but it's like, do you really are, is that really what you want your heart's desire for them?

It is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you, if you are you going to put that much effort and time into that, right? Because in some kind, I don't know, I thought one of my favorite poets is Wilka. And he, he said, everything is being pregnant and giving birth, right? So whatever, how long a pregnancy takes is probably, you know, depends on the species or the issue. But everything takes that time of like being like a seed that, you know, comes to being in some kind of a way. So I guess maybe it depends on like what you said, the trust that you have that it will actually happen like that. I, I've just come to find that that seems to be, if not the only, like the main determining factor on whether things happen the way you felt they would, you know, and this is where you can start getting into things like timeframes, you know, like, that's kind of, I don't want to say it's like an advanced thing. I actually don't employ it that much. What I have, where there's like a timeframe where something you really like want and need, that's a delicate dance you have to do. That's not something you can just approach. And like, for most, for at least for me, like with super ease, like I'm like, all right, there's something that has to happen. Let me not freak out. Let me not like put too much pressure on me. But let me honor the fact that there's something in linear time here that I need to happen. So it's a dance, I think as long as you can remain like playful, kind of curious about these things, that protects you from most of kind of, and there's nothing wrong with failing. There's nothing wrong with imagining something or trying to manifest something and then not getting it exactly when you want it. I guarantee there's a big lesson that you'll take away from it. It's just, you can't, you don't have to believe that you can't do it. You don't have to believe that that it's impossible. So I mean, I wonder sometimes, you know, because I, I've gotten a lot of things that I wished for in my life. So, but I think there's something about, you know, like the Rolling Stones song, you know, I can't get enough of it. Oh yeah, exactly. So I feel like that sometimes like sometimes I get something for example, right now, I imagine the beach, I'm in the mountains, you know, minor detail, but it's, it's, in some kind of a sense, it's fine if it's a little bit different, right? It doesn't have to be exactly the way you saw it on TV or maybe it can be or it maybe means you'll be at a beach at a different point in time.

And then you'll be like looking at that time being like, Oh, this was it. I thought it was that, and I was thinking it was supposed to be a beach, but it was obviously supposed to be snowy mountains. I just just got those wires tangled. Like that's typically, I don't say this is like just offering potentials. That's how it's usually worked in my life when I'm like, Oh, this wasn't the thing I exactly wanted. Then I'll be like, Oh shit, it was better usually. Then another time comes along, I'm like, Oh, this was it. Oh my God, like I had this happen. Really? Yeah, because then it happens, and you're like, Oh my God, I was like actually thinking about this thing as though it didn't happen.

Sometimes that gets you to the point of letting go, by the way, like that. Oh, because you thought it already done. All right, I don't have to worry about that thing anymore. And it sifts into the subconscious. Now, the double edged sword of this is this works for everything. It's not just what we would call pleasant things that we do. Oh yeah, you think something really bad is going to happen to you wait around, then you just kind of forget it and you didn't deal with kind of the emotional resonance of it doesn't mean that exact bad thing is going to happen to you. We're actually a little more kind and gentle, but it can that stuff does kind of get into our being or psyche, whatever you want to call it. A lot of it is clearing that stuff out that requires a fair amount of self introspection and like honesty to like really like deal with like shadow parts of yourself that aren't like Rosie and like, you know, just everything is great. It's like, Oh, I'm kind of a piece of shit sometimes like, Oh, I fucking, you know, I'm real asked for there like fucking a but like dealing with that stuff in a way that doesn't castigate or like chastise or denigrate it. That's kind of a lot of what people are clearing out. I think we're doing that. I mean, I think it's really interesting what I always thought about, you know, myself like for a long time, I would be a loudly proclaiming that I wanted something specific in my life, right? And all my actions were the opposite. So it was like, obviously, I was just not wanting that. I was just saying it because I thought I was supposed to want that maybe. And there in some kind of sense, you just still get what you really want it, right? It just will look a little funny because you always pretend that like you didn't. And right? It's this conscious subconscious thing, right? Like consciously, we can really think we want this very specific thing. And that's like when you opened up with the feeling, like the feeling of what you wanted is pretty damn close. Like that thing is going to be way closer than the specifics. Like we're very, at least most people including myself, like kind of clunky at predicting things accurately. A feeling of how it feels to be in an amazing environment and that joy or whatever it is, you know, that it brings up for you. But the specifics of it, sometimes we're just not so great at in that specific thing. Chances are if it really is, like if it's a true desire to go to the fucking beach and be on the beach for you, I guarantee you, like, I mean, you know what I mean? The beach was probably the smallest detail of that, you know, equation. The rest was way more important. Well, yeah, I mean, I think I had like this thing too, because it was simultaneously just showing like how things can like be good and bad at the same time. Last summer, I developed a skill of like making myself feel in love with the world, basically, or with myself. What do you do? What do you do to do that? This is, it's very interesting because I think a few things came together, in a sense, like I acted for a long time, right? So I learned different techniques of like recreating feelings. But it changed because I also went to a shaman and did like a lot of psychedelic experiences that showed me different parts of myself, especially my heart, you know, it sounds so simple now, but like, yes, love psychedelic drugs for, you know, open your, I know, open your consciousness and like see different parts of yourself. It's like so valuable. I don't even know why not everybody is doing this. But something, the first time I went to a shaman and I had a journey, there was something that he said to me while I was feeling like what I wasn't, I took like a plant, I only take plants, but like a plant medicine. And it opened my heart like very extremely. So like, and he said to me, he's like, remember, it's the only thing he said to me while I was in the trip. And I remember that later. And I was like, what is he saying? I remember, what should I remember? You know, and it was that feeling that I, that I kept on remembering, I was like, wait, how does this feel like in my body? How does it feel like it, you know, how does it tingle on my skin? Like, how can I, you can, you can cheat yourself a little bit with like actually imagining it with like a person that actually has helped you trigger that. But you only need that for like a second. Right, it's like, it's kind of, yeah, exactly.

You're like, Oh, that person, how did that feel? Okay. How does that feel right now in my body? Like, you can do crazy things to you completely sober. I mean, you can line your bed and basically, I nearly have an orgasm without touching yourself. Like, and not even like, I mean, I love orgasm really, not just like a physical. Yeah, totally. And I can hold it for specific amounts of time, and then it kind of keeps goes away. But it's nice, because, you know, you can feel that in that moment. But what happened pretty quickly after that is I met the person that I was talking about earlier. There was a big lesson for me. But I was kind of like, I was like, this is ridiculous. Now I'm, I'm learning how to do this for myself. I would think I'm going to attract something great, you know, I'm going to be this person. I'm like, Oh, my God, all this crazy love is going to come to me. Right. And it was, and this is like so confusing, then a friend of mine said to me, maybe this person came into your lights because of you fear that a person like this will come into your life. And I was like, now my brand's like exploding, you know, I'm like, this is fucked up. How much shit, you know, can you make up? But really, this is what you said. It's like, if, if there was a thought before that, where I was like, I'm afraid that this will happen, then I forgot it. And it's still mad. Totally. That's what fears are, by the way, it's an uncertainty in kind of how all this shit works. That's really all it is at the end of the day. It's an uncertainty about what our personal agency over our experience is.

That's it. We can have that's why we can fear death. We can fear relationships. We can fear losing reputation, power, control, whatever it is. I think a big reason people love psychedelics so much, for better or for worse, is it does kind of demolish those constructs quickly enough. Now, that doesn't mean you're going to crush your ego, not you personally, but someone who takes psychedelics, you can get your ego questions, just like completely reconstitute it and not go to any psychedelics forum on the internet and just watch people arguing about what psychedelics are to be like, Oh, shit, like this doesn't necessarily have the same amount of impact for people all the time. But if you can catch one of those blasted open states and still maintain your awareness, know that you're not you're not you're not Laura anymore. You're not Noah anymore. You can, but still know you're something in those states more you can remember what that's like. The less fear tends to come with being like bound in these bodies and experiences and relationships and the more freedom you have to move around. And I think ultimately that is like one of the truest expressions of love is like freedom, like being free. That's why there's a great I think it's a Kabir quote.

And it's like make not a bond of love. That's how it starts. And it's like a whole nice beautiful thing. And that's what it's supposed to be you're not supposed to like bind and hold on to a red sense of identity of what it is to love or be loved, but it's to be free and allow that to be kind of a dynamic process and an expression. I also believe that's what this world fundamentally is good and bad, late and dark. It's like that's an expression of love even if it looks to us in duality like, Oh my God, objectively evil, horrible thing. Yeah, or like horrible experience, right? Like, you know how many? And I know this is obviously something that I'm trying to work on because I don't always want to learn like hard lessons constantly, you know, but it has a lot of things that have experienced that in that moment I thought were really horrible where literally the trigger for the greatest transformation and therefore healing processes like that for I mean, for everybody, right? You know, I will say there I haven't spoken to many of them, but there are people who take negative experiences and just I don't want to take the wrong lesson better just like, Oh, yeah, no, like I'm no good. Oh, that's me. Yeah, you know, that you don't want to do that because it really at the end of the day is kind of a victim mentality and not in like, you know, Oh, you're bad. And you can also feel victimized by that. But it's just like, no, it's not accurate.

Like it's not accurate. Like, I haven't met a person yet who's like, Oh, they're not worthy. They're not okay. Like they're they fucked up so bad they can't. That's also not a very elevated perspective to look at things. Like if you can accept that duality is just one aspect of everything of the infinite, and you don't have to just be bound by even if it's your direct experience, most of the time, not even all the time. Well, duality is, you know, I'm always in duality. There's always here you are when you go to sleep at night, who the fuck knows where you are most of the time. Sometimes you're in training and sometimes you're in that who knows. So it's not even like your whole experience of like being alive is just this. So anyway, my point is is that there's ability to kind of modulate our experience in duality with just fundamentally knowing we're good. Like that I was thinking about the way over to my place today, I was like, you know, just like you're good no matter what like that's like something you figured out. I'm talking to myself like a long time ago. And like I just accept it. Like even if I do something, I'm like, that was a little shady. Maybe I know what my intention is. And this, I think for some people can get scary. It converge on being narcissistic or having like a just a singular outward point of view. No one that I've met really falls into that trap. It doesn't tend to turn into that when you fundamentally love yourself and are forgiving of yourself, you tend to be loving and forgiving to other people and you tend to just not find yourself in situations even that would, you know, cause. Yeah, I think, I mean, wow, I mean, I don't know if narcissism is a real thing, right, you know, in a lot of people and I'm not saying that there's no narcissistic parts within me even, you know.

But I think that if you work from a place of like loving yourself and therefore giving love to others, if that's called narcissism, like let's all do it. You know, I mean, I, in that sense, I think it would be a fundamental question of like self worth and self value. A lot of people don't love themselves to the point to feel confident that everything they're doing is an expression of that. But when you still identify all of this like manifestation, imaginal stuff, I really do think it's like a bait and switch. Everyone, including myself, goes after a specific material relation, they go after stuff and they should because it's amazing.

But ultimately you get to the point where you're like, all right, I'm self identifying with the ability to kind of allow anything into my reality. Can I self identify with like the highest ideal, what are people called Christ consciousness or just God or whatever you want to call it? Just can I self identify with that? Can I be an expression of that in a normal way that I can still engage in the world? That seems to be what most people are inevitably led to, whatever they call it, whether it's a mystic or a poet or an artist or just some guy on the street. That's where everyone is eventually led to. When you get to that point, I know for a lot of my life, I thought if that happens and it like clicks in, I probably, I'll probably die. And a lot of times, I'll be honest, I'm really whacked out on psychedelics. I'm like, I'm dead. I'm like, holy shit. Like, I think and I do think that's not even totally far off what we call living in this life is probably closer to a state of death, which is kind of a bound limited crystallized thing than actually what we imagine not having an identity in this kind of existential dread of like, not that's just the thought. I mean, it could be. I mean, I do have to say that like, I think it is, it is kind of difficult to have these moments where you just feel very free. And it doesn't even have to be necessarily psychedelics. Meditation can do something similar and like some weird flashbacks. I've literally thought of like losing my mind several times in my life where I was like, this is a little nuts. Like, I think either you're a psychic or psycho, you know, like I'm not sure I'm like, not sure. Like, it's like, it's like, I'm not hurting anybody. Like, it doesn't actually matter problems. But I felt this before where I was like, there's so much, even when I'm creating these feelings, because I'm working a lot with that, you know, like, I write a lot about love experiences and I'm not necessarily romantic as in like our world, like, what does love feel like and how does it work? And I have like a practice of doing that. And then there is sometimes when I create a feeling that is so strong that it's nearly like a psychedelic trip. And then I was writing, but for me, it happens with writing. It's just my conduit to like doing these things. And I was writing. And I'm having this like, intense, intense experience. I was like, Oh my God, I don't know if I'm capable of living like that constantly, you know, if, because that's me, I know that that's just my energy that's always in me. And somehow I created something that's pushing it down most of the time.

So it's somehow about like expanding my capabilities of like living that constantly and still being active, like not being like, I can't talk because I'm like fucking tripping all day on my own, like, insanity. But like being able to love that strongly and still be functional. It's like a fair amount of time. It is not so it is not it's like, really, I'm like, okay, I can hold this for a while. And then I kind of like release it because I'm like, Oh my God, exhausting. Like, whoo, how am I going to have a normal conversation with? Yeah, I mean, I think you have to stay in longer and longer. I get to the point where it's like, it's like lifting a weight or something where you just get comfortable with that. There's always a baseline you're achieving. I mean, I think that's the cool thing. It might seem like sisyphus for to some people, but like they're you're always going to be striving. You're always going to be pushing that some aspect of linear time and space, whatever, I just accept that it's fine. I don't think it's a bad thing. But being able to kind of move that baseline up of being at that point where you're kind of an ex now there is a point and there's visual evidence and I can attest to it when I lived in kind of a chronic state of just like all in bliss. It is hard to be functional at a certain point.

Now, what is dependent on, I think where it gets easier is the more people who recognize that is even a place that exists for people to reside in consciously, then you have a better opportunity. My game, I would say the more I understand it is to try to get people to recognize that is kind of a choice. We have nothing actually to be afraid of in terms of releasing that out. There's not going to be some negative ramifications. In fact, it's just the opposite and it feels very liberating. And there's that's a function to that. It's not like it's keeping it down because we're bad. The the feeling you feel it is very like orgasmic. Like you're releasing something. You feel really good. The key is like you can, you know, use it to like jump to different levels of consciousness and be aware that you're doing that because if you don't have awareness that you're doing it on some level, it can just be like, what the fuck? What is going on?

Yeah, I am losing my mind. But it didn't find it funny because there is something about that. That's like a nice correlation to sex. I mean, for me, it has something to do with it to a certain degree, not because I get into that state necessarily. But for me, sex has always been something like where I release and I like go and I am not in this world, you know, and that's why I like it so much because I've tried to explain this to a partner of mine. And I was like, you know, I for me, I'm not in my head when I have sex. It's the opposite. So for me, and I'm normally a lot in my head. I'm a writer. I'm thinking a lot. I'm overthinking everything most of the time. When I have sex, I do not. But I think a lot of people, they're already really afraid of sex in general and of letting go there and have even afraid of their orgasm, right? No, there's a lot of reasons why orgasms are connected to falling, right? Letting go like dissolving like all these things that happen to you or how people explain their orgasms is often this like sense of losing control.

Totally. Letting yourself. And basically, yeah, imploding and like or being every, yeah, I mean, if you have like a cosmic orgasm anyways, it's a little bit different. But people are even afraid of that because so many people in my life lately have told me so many men, let's be clear actually, very fascinating that they are afraid of losing control. And I was like, why is everybody telling me this? You know, because I'm like, I think I've worked a lot of my control, apparently not enough because the mirror is constantly like, what about that control thing? What about that control thing? And I'm like, I don't have an issue with my control. I let go over time. But it's interesting, right? That people are so afraid or even me saying like, I'm afraid that I couldn't handle living in that state for a long time, that we're trying to control the most pleasurable and beautiful thing.

That's my stance on reality. Basically, that's what I it's, you know what I mean? Like that's everyone's challenge though, is to feel comfortable enough to kind of relax, I think, into themselves. That's ultimately what it is. Everything does seem on some level to become, if psychedelic is the term, brighter, more vibrant, it's like, you know, when you go out in nature, even if you're stone cold sober, and you're just like, Oh my God, this is the most amazing thing I've got. So it's like, that seems to be a major facet. I did some DMT about a month ago, maybe a little longer, and it was not a pleasant experience for me. I was on, did you do normal or five? My friends who do five, like, let me tell you prop. I did it. I mean, like, I don't even like, I did, okay, I had smoked jungle before, and it was fine. It was beautiful. It's like amazing. I'm like, Oh, my dreams are coming true. This is so great. I fucking, and fairness, and I learned my lesson, and it relates to this beauty thing. But I was on ketamine, I had been doing some, some acid, I had, there was some nitrous, and I was like, break out the, we'd all together, it's just, you know, regular Friday night, not regular Friday. So anyway, um, I was like, break out the DMT, and I had never smoked it like the regular way, we do you did all these things before you smoked the DMT. Oh my God, do that. Okay. So my recommendation to people is, don't do that, because what happens is is fucking insane, and, you know, we'll freak you out for a little bit. So anyway, I'm not going to go into the whole experience. I was spoken about enough here, but I'll tell you some other times. But the first thing I remember when I was like, really reintegrating my consciousness, I pulled the report way too soon, by the way, and I was like, Oh my God, where am I thought everyone was vampires? So I came back, and the first one of the first things I was like immediately grateful for was how beautiful just that beauty existed as a concept number one, and that we get to live in a place that more often than not, if we choose to pay attention to it, there's beautiful shit fucking everywhere. Like it's literally all over the place. So I think that's like a major facet of this reality, what it feels to be human or to be here and experience that.

I don't think there's anything wrong with kind of going after that is kind of an ideal and letting it kind of move you to greater states of, you know, feeling good, you know, feeling. Yeah, and this concept of beauty, I think it's such an interesting one. There's this, and I forgot his name now. I'll look it up later, but he's like a British or no Irish priest actually, and he died, I think like 10 years ago or something, a priest, but like basically it's like mysticism that he talks about. And you wrote this book about. I know you're talking about I remember the name, keep it on. I remember any.

Yeah, but like super interesting concept, like he, because he comes from obviously religion, right, he comes from Christianity, but it doesn't, he talks about God in a very, in a very broad concept, like things that we both could also agree on, I think, where it doesn't have to be like, you don't have to be, you know, baptized in church or some shit to like, understand and feel that. And he talks about a lot about nature and how beauty, we think about beauty as like some concept of our society or capitalism or like our, the way we look at whatever, but really beauty in like, within and with nature, which I think when you said that, I mean, nature has like a religious, it's like a religious experience for me often, yeah, right, spiritual. Yeah, no, I mean, it's one of the best things that can remind you that you're in a pretty amazing place when you actually like are aware of it, right? But you could be in the middle of like picturesque beauty, but if you're directing your consciousness or placing your awareness on something else in that surrounding, you know, you're going to be completely ignorant to that in that moment in time. So again, it's not that we're always supposed to be in nature and with the birds, and maybe some of us as we're supposed to be in nature all the time. But I think it's like just a remembrance that there's that's not random. It's not just like, we happen to find ourselves in this particular sector of time and space. Like it's, there's a relationship between our consciousness and that and our awareness. And I think appreciating that tends to be a good move to do. Yeah, I just found the dude actually, I don't know how to say it. John O'Donahay, I think O'Donahay. O'Donahay. O'Donahay, O'Donahay, by the way, the inner landscape of beauty. That's a thing. I was thinking somebody wants to check it out. The inner landscape of beauty, that's cool.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, most mystics, most people who really like contemplate this stuff come to the same fundamental. I mean, that was like one of the early songs for me is just recognizing wherever you go across cultures, religions, mystics, they're all talking about the same fucking thing. It's not like there's no deviation. They're all like, hey, guess what, guys? Like, you, this, you're an aspect of one. This is what's going on. They may have completely different, you know, breakdowns of what's going on. But even that's accommodated for when you understand how consciousness works. Because of course it's true. It's all true. It's literally like your consciousness is creating a reflection of something that is universally always true. You're not going to create some wrong thing. You can be misguided. You could have like a weird thing that just gets dissonant with kind of a collective vision of what this is. But it's all part of the same thing that I guess when you really like come in contact to that, like internally, it can be a little discombobulated. It could be a little disorientated.

[Music] I hope you enjoyed that episode. It was very pleasurable, right? There's part two is on Sunday. This Sunday, go check out Pussy Church in advance. It's a really good show. Sex positive show, lots of cool stuff. Also, she usually features art stuff. I'm sure we'll talk about that. Someone like the best like erotic art that's out there. It's just cool fucking, sometimes psychedelic shit. I'm sure you caught in this episode. We were talking a little psychedelics, fun times. That's all I got. Oh no, I told patrons. There's a lot of new patrons. Thanks for joining. I have a feeling a lot of you are there for the Discord and the fun things that go on in there. For people who are joining, I post the Discord link. It's a 24-hour link regularly because I don't leave it up because it becomes hard to track. Again, it's kind of lifetime access, not kind of it is.

If you join and you hate the Patreon and you think it's the worst thing ever, you can cancel. You still have access to the Discord, which is a fun place. That's cool to do. If you're into that, that's it. I don't know anything else to say. I said it all in this podcast. There's lots of stuff I said. I just did a Q&A on the Patreon and a live stream yesterday was a lot of stuff. PPP. I can say that. Got a new synth. That's fucking fun. Bonus chat at the end here, guys. Love you. It's a really cool synth. Virus TI polar. I have to get a synth called the virus these times. I had it before in 2010. It's amazing. You'll hear it. You'll hear it on the podcast.

Music coming out from me and Bill. Check that out. My music released on Spotify. More coming. I'm going to do a bandcamp. I think people like bandcamp going to do that. All that music available on the Patreon early. Otherwise, just wait. It'll hit the streaming services. That's it. That's it, guys. Lots of love until next week. Happy imagining. At Franklin Sussex Sunday, fun is in the driver's seat. We have your new Hyundai Elantra, Sonata, Tucson, Santa Fe, Palisades, Ionic 5, Ionic 6, and more at savings you'll love. Every Hyundai comes with America's best warranty, a 10-year 100,000-mile warranty, and the owner insurance program. And if you need credit, we can help. Route 23 in Sussex. Shop online at franklinssetsunday.com.